Just so grateful.

We have been so busy lately. The past few months have been fast a furious, we have had so much going on and have been streched much thinner than before in regards to time and money. Grils camp has been HUGE, its taken so much time energy and money and having it all on my shoulders has reminded me of the importance of delegating and simplifying. Hawaii was amazing and i'm still looking at that trip with immense gratitude to God for allowing us to make that family trip happen for us. We had the money we needed to do it comfortably and make memories without stressing. Obviously having Sam and Preston host us made a huge difference and I am always grateful for thier hospitality and love for my family. I am especially grateful that we have such similar priorities when it comes to family gatherings. Everyone travels uniquely to thier families needs and prefrences and I know our families approach things differently but we prioritize togetherness and I am so grateful for that. It's built a lot of love and understanding that has fused our families together tightly. As we have prepared for summer, we made our annual summer bucket list and its made me really reflect on our summers of recent past. I try to make the time away from school packed with opportunities to learn and grow in all the ways that they can't while in school, lots of outtings, lots of hands on expereinces and loads of togetherness. Most of our expereinces in the past were very structured around affordability and convience. but this year it feels like a switch has flipped and we're able to do whatever we dream of. I signed the kids up for sports camps we made plans to leave the state a few time, make crafts, visit frineds, host parties and so much more. The kids did most of the suggesting, but much of thier ideas were patterned after last years list. "Go Garage sale-ing", "Read books every day" "go to the splash pad". all of these absolutle staples in our summer list but this year we were able to add, museums, weekends away, amusement parks, movies, sporting events and other exciting new activities. as we finished our list, i found myself becomeing overwhelmed with gratitude. These activities were still simple, "Lemonade stands", "tyedye Shirts", "Host a late nighter with friends"; but they were all possible when in years before, they weren't. Chad and I have built our way to where we are with the steady hand of God helping us be patient, work hard and support eachother and I just had to call him. I found a quiet room sat on the floor, nearly in tears and called Chad. I told him about the plans we had made for the summer, he said "Yeah that sounds good hun, lets get it in the calender." It was another normal day to him. I said, "I know this is random but I just have to tell you how grateful i am for all of this" I couldnt hold back the tears. We have just been so blessed and we have seen what its like to be checking the account regularly, to struggle with managing bills and expeditures. We have had to miss out on things because the gas money to get there would be to hard on us. We have sold family hierlooms, special gifts from one another and valuable personal items to make ends meet. We have spent hours burning our backs on the asphalt, watching youtube videos, crossing our fingers and jimmy-rigging our family vehicle in hopes it would live another day because it was the only one we had to get Chad to work where he worked 12-14 hour days at a job he hated. I taught lessons for 6 hours some days with two toddlers in our 600sqft manufactured home, turning on the AC when company was coming over but turning it down when they left to save on energy bills. I rememebr feeling left out when my family would go on big trips and we always had to drive them to the airport and stay behind to water the plants. I remember feeling embarrassed, ashamed and frustrated when family would offer to pay for anything, most of the time it was a movie ticket or dinner they had bought everyone and didn't mind if no one paid them back, but if felt like a drop kick to our pride. And we managed, we paid tithing, we saw miracles that we learned to be grateful. We grew together as a couple in our priorities. We prioritied me being home to nurture and grow with our children and we created opportunities out of that decision. We learned to manage both our money and our bills together as a team. I'm just so grateful. THats all there is to it. I want it on he record that i see God, i see Him blessing my family,answering my prayers and showing me the prefect nature of agency as i trust him in our choices and watch what happens when we follow his plan.

Matixs Birthday/ Update on the Boys

Matix had a birthday shout hooray! He was especially happy about his 5th birthday because 5 year olds go to kindergarten. I told him I an especially excited to have a 5 year old because they dont pee thier pants...we'll see if that does anything. It was a crazy fun weekend of celebrating our favorite dare devil. We went back in time it flt like, and visited the Arizona mills mall. We wanted to take him to the Rainforest cafe. As kids, Chad and I both remember it being magical, with the over head aquarium with tropical fish and animatronic safari animals deocrating the moss and jungle vine covered walls, the misters and flashing lights that would simulate at rainstorm and the night sky above your head with actual shooting stars. i think maybe chad and I were a little more excited about it than the kids. But once we arrived we found that time had been a cruel mistress to the rainforest cafe. Peta had come in about 5 years prior and shut down the aquarium, because adoring children and nature like atmospheres are cruel and unusual...*eyeroll. and the state-of-the-art animatronics seems carnival like and similar to a 8th grate robotics conference submission more than a miracle of entertainment like they had all those years ago. Chad and I were a little deflated but the kids were THRILLED. The misters have been taken down since we last went but when the "rainstorms" were simulated, i dipped my hands in an extra water cup at the table and secretly splashed the boys when thier backs were turned, they thought that was pretty magical too. at the end of the meal, we splurged and bought the volcano cake for our volcano loving boy, he was shocked and amazing, to the point that he couldnt even wait til the end of the Happy birthday chorus to blow out his candles. On his actual birthday (Sunday) we did a small family party to celebrate our boy who give us the most stories to share. We blasted off to outerspace and did a number of fun astronaut themed games. We hunted for moon rocks in grandmas backyard, we made a solar sytem out of styrofoam balls and ate a plethera of space themed foods. almost all the gifts he recieved were space related and he couldnt have been happier. Here's a little update on all the boys, startig with our big 5 year old. Matix got some roller blades for Christmas this last year and we had no idea how well he would do with them. Within two days he was crusing all around the back yard a begging to go to a skate park to practice jumps. I made him practice for a few weeks but he's such a natural, it was clear that he was ready to level up after just a few days. Against my better judgement, i look him to a skate park and shortly after arriving and seeing the 1/2 pipes and rail all over the park that was heavily poppolated with tennage boys, i alost turned around and forced all the excited boys back into the van. Matix begged and i caved and i watched through my fingers as he bravely entered the busy skate area, he went tstraight over to the ramp and backed up so he could gain momentum. He raced up and down the ramp with ease and never looked back. We werent even there, he went from one area to the next trying out everything he thought he could do, he fell a few times but each fall was more of a nuesence, slowing him down from having more fun. I sat back in awe at his bravery and strange ability to fit in with all these teenage boys. He even guesture to the teens around him and said "no, you can go first, you're bigger". I laughed and relaxed a little bit, realizing, he had quickly built a comradery with the teens aruond him who smiled at his efforts. Matixs prayers, I wish they would stay this way forever. Each prayer is a little, daily evolving testimony. Most of them start as you might expect, inviting heavenly father to listen and then things can really go anywhere. He saud things like, "I know that we are Gods and god is our and we need to be kind so we can be like him" and then things go a little morepersonal as he starts listing the daily schedule, like, "we go to the bathroom and we wash our hands so we dont get germs and i try so hard to not pee my pants but i like to rollerblade with my pants on but mom wont let me rollerblade in the house." somehow he always brings it home with something gospel related of a prayer for soemthing sincere, but its always my favorite thing to listen to. I hope to record one before he starts praying more practically...which i still have hope will never happen. We've noticed over the past few weeks that Matix has taken an interest in lyrics. Some of his favorite songs include "Sunrise Sunburn Sunset repeat." "Cold at the Alter" "Story Bots: We Are the Planets" and "You are the Reason". Each time the songs come on, his gears start turning and he asked a hundered questons before the song is over, asking what words mean, what phrases mean and then as he listens to them, he starts loveing the meaning. Now he sings them with so much passion you can see it on his face, he uses his hands, he's so expressive...he might walk, look, talk and act like Chad but he sings like his mama and i love it! I've started playing Christian rock because for obvious reasons, his love for lyrics should not be wasted on Metallica and ACDC...no disrespect to the kings of Rock but maybe not 4 year old content. One quick story to better illustarte Matix. His rollerblades have been attached to him ever since he opened them. The first day i let him try them in the house (a mistake i wont make again with my other children) but he quickly picked it up and is all speed now. I've made a new, pretty strick rule call."nothing with wheels". if it has wheels it isnt allowed in the house, front or back yard only. Matix has not grasped this rule in the slightest. One day he was rollerblading through the house while i was juggling my daily tasks and i shouted from behind the kitchen island, "Matix, no roller blding in the house, you know the rules!" He shouted back, "mom! I'm not rollerblading in the house!". Now, i am used to deiance from him ....but this wasnt even a good argument! "Matix, i can see you, and its clear to both you and I that you are infact rollerblading as we speak!" He roller his eyes, didnt slow his pace in the slightest and said "well, i'm not having fun!" as if that somehow made it less of a crime. I had a good hard laugh, stoped him by force and explained that the rules are to protect our baseboards, our toes and our home, NOT to elliminate his fun! Liam Sweet as sugar. Liam is always caught doing good. At singig time last week (we got too the park to have "distance" singing time on Sunday afternoons) Liam was playing with some friends, running up a grassy hill and rollling down while me and some other moms talked breifly after the lesson. A new mom in the ward approached me and said " is that your son?" pointing to liam. "Yes, thats Liam!". "I just have to tell you, my litte girl had ran to the top of the hill and was too scared to come down, before I could come up to help her, Liam saw that she was upset and took her hand, gentle walking her back to the bottom and talking to her the whole way." I smiled and looked to Liam, who had overheard the last bit of the convesation, he gave me a thumbs up and a wink. Thats Liam. He's still my kid that will tease his little brothers without even being aware of how naturally it comes to him, but just as naturally, he brings peace and comfort to those around hime. We're working on making sure the teasing to peace making ratio is where we want it. ecently there was a book fair at liams school. Normally the weeks leading up to the bookfair I'll allow the kids to do chores and work to earn a max of $10 for the fair, however, as the year has progressed, Liam as become more comfortable in the classroom and with his friends that he has been coming home with poor reports on his daily behavior charts. Mainly talking out of turn, talking with friends during lessons and ...yeah he just talks a lot. So i decided that he would have to kick it up a notch if he wanted book fair money this time around. He would need to complete his normal chores, choose 1-2 extra jobs a day AND come home with reports of not just the good behavior zone, but GREAT behavior (meaning the teacher observed him being extra helpful, good at listening, etc.) It was a tall order but I needed to make sure he was respecting his teacher and i know what motivated that kid. Money. Like his dad. After and entire week of excellent behavior, scrubbing baseboards, toilets and picking weeds Liam earned his money. He bought a journal that locks and an invisible ink pen. I was so proud of the changes he made and told him how grateful i was that he was prioritizing respect and obedience. The following Monday after the bookfair liam got in the car beaming ( as usual, he is always my happiest boy...for no reason at all, just happy) I said "How was your day?!Are we keeping our good behavior streak going?" "ehhh not today mom, i got on orange." he said matter of factly. (orange means he was warned not once but twice for misbehavior. The kid got his journal and invisible ink pen...incentive:gone. Back to the drawing board. That being said, Liam is trying to do good. He and i have had many discussions on baptism lately and i can tell its on his mind a lot. He'll say things in context of before and after his baptism, because he feels that its a life changing ordinance. I have so much to teach him and sometimes I get overwhelmed with feelings of inadequacy, thinking that I havent prepared him to make this decision for him, or that he wont fully undestand what he's getting into or want what i want for him. For know , we pray together that he'll understand and make this year about developing a likeness in Christ. I know that as he does, the desire to be baptized will be him own and will be personal to his relationship with his heavenly brother. I've loved the conversations we have had recently iand i just dont want to forget the way I've been able to watch the cogs in his mind move so uniquely to his own mechanical and beautiful undestanding. He talks about our existance as human beings a lot. He'll often say, "in my first life, i knew you but i dont know how well i knew you or if i still liked the cilor blue or if i looked the same." (speaking of the premortal existance) and in my second life (current) I'm here with you and our family found eachother here on earth. And in my third life, will i have a new body? Will make another world and we'll have a fourth life. How will we find eachother and can my family be next to our family?" I love all his questions and sometimes I'm sad when I dont have the answers because the questions seem so simple, but I think he'll find the answers. Easton is changing. He has preferences now and has started to grow impatent with our language barrier. However, he tries! He tries so hard to communicate and as long as we are willing to keep trying to understand his needs, we keep trying. He says Baba for anything water related..bath tub, swimming, rain, carwash, and of course, drinks. The kid drinks water all . day . long. Its the first thing he asks for in the morning and he shakes with excitement when we give him his cup. Chad has always been the favorite. No hate over here from mom, Easton still snuggles me and gives me all the love I could ask for...but its clear who he prefers...for now. However, recently Chad had to get a new truck for work and its noticably nicer than his 20 year old Ford. We all love it, but Easton is obsessed, it's not enough to ride in the truck, he has to sit in the front seat or he is furious. Chad used to get all the loves and snuggles as soon as he walked in the door from work but now he hears Easton say "Daddy!, Daddy buhbye!" and he drags Chad by the hand to the front door until he takes him to the truck and lets him sit in the front seat and push all the buttons. He just loves it. He also loves being outside. the backyard has been our oasis ever since we got the grass in last summer. I turn off the A/C and we just leave the backdoor open all day, Easton is in and out all morning long, running under the trampoline, finding a snack and sitting in the woodchips along the wall to watch the dog run around the yard, drawing with chalk, picnicing under the trampoline with mom, helping me pick weeds or trim the grass, climbing up and over the firepit wall to play in the sand...he just loves it and so do I. He is starting to talk a lot more with first favorite words being, down, thank you, water, yeah, no, cheese, hello and Amen. It doesn't seem like a lot of words but when each word can be used in 7-10 different situations, sometimes we communicate better with him than the other two boys. He has recently started to enjoy giving sweet kisses and as always, his hugs last long than any other baby I've had. He loves closeness and trusts his brotehrs so much. He wants to communicate with us all the time, I think its his favorite thing to do. When he accidently hurts someone or more often, accidently breakS one of the boys lego structures, we ask him to say sorry and he goes over to his brother and softly touches them with a gentle sweep of the hand. We've come to know that at "sorry" and it is so sweet and sincere, even brothers are quick to forgive when he tries his best to say sorry in his own way. We laugh at his excited conversaation because he stares us in the eyes and just lets out a long unfluxuating moan of sorts. Its like he's understands that sentences sound like a continuation of sound that eventually ends the thought and is followed by a returned response by the person listening. So he lets our a long sound with no consonans or vowel and then waits for use to acknoweldge his thoughts, which we always do, even though he has said nothing. Its so cute and confusing. Boys are growing and time keeps slipping through our fingers. I'm grateful to get to capture some of the smaller details of our ever changing homelife.

patience with a purpose of growth

Patience We were having a CFM disscussion at dinner and it really affected me so i wanted to share some of the thoughts we discussed. Right now the scripture words are so big for my kids, we spend a lot of time rebuilding sentences using synonymns to help the boys understand the messages more. We'll take words, ask the boys if they know what they mean and then define them correctly and help them rebuild sentences and definitions based on thier perception and understanding of the word. It's a practice that comes really naturally but when I went to time out for woman a couple years ago, Anthony Sweat talked about it much more eloquently. I love hearing him talk about the complexity of languages and how our understanding of words allows us to learn and relearn and relearn sentences by the changing of our undertsnading through experiences. Its so true and so simple. That being said, we continue to practice this as a family and it edifies us and allows us to learn from eachother more naturally. We were dicussing the principle of patience. We were talking about how sometimes we will recieve blessings right away but many blessings are withheld. We talked about why that might be and the faith required to accept that. Patience was brought us as we gave the example of a mom having pocicles for her kids, theyearned them through chores but she chose to withhold the popcicles until after dinner. I asked the kids "why would a mom do that? the children did thier chores, they made promise together that day that if they do thier work without complaint and make kind choices, they would receive a popscicle. Why dont they get a popscicle?" The boys looked a little confused at first but Lim chimed in, "They still get the popscicle, the mom promised and for some reasons she just isnt giving it to them yet?" he was perfectly right, confused but right. Liam thought a second longer and siad, "the children just have to be patient". I explained that the promised blessing were still promised but the timeline on the promise was never agreed upon. Liam liked this, he realized that he had another negotiating strategey for the future...always negotite the time of received privilages is justas much as the privilage itself. Great approach except we often forget that the people incharge of bestowing said privileges or blessings, most often have a greater scope of understanding. I explained that God knows more than us and he has our best interest in mind. So does the mother in the story. She intends to give the popsciles as promised but she also know that the children needto eat the healthy dinner she prepared first, she know that they may not see it that way but regardless, her responsibility if doing what it verybest for her children. Likewise, God knows what is best for us, we may have earned blessings in this life that would better suit us in the next, some blessing or saved for the afterlife with great purpose, other blessing are withhed and we will never understand in this life why. This is where faith, patience and trust come in. Liam understood that patience was required but i know he didnt quiet connect that we practice patience BECAUSE of faith and trust. "Matix what is patience to you?" he was very thoughtful, so we all prepared ourselves for greatness, Matix is a trove of knowledge and understanding hidden in a dust cloud of dirt, bugs and bruises. "Patience is when you feel sad and frustrated, but you keep on trying because it just hasnt happened yet." My eyes lit up with excitment. NEW WORDS! Words i had never used to describe patience. "Feeling Sad and frustrated" is not in my brains definition bank for patience. Edurance, Stive, Waiting, Faithful,...these are all words ive easily associated with patience and i think in the church, ive learned that patience is to be endured with a smile, that it can be difficult but it is a part of the process, and being in my 30's, i am familiar with the process so it really has become something that i endure without much strife. However, Matixs definition reminded me or a younger mind and a more pure state of understanding because...patience IS sad, its frustrating, confusing, anxiety-inducing and can even feel like a lack of love and intervention from our heavenly parents. When we lack the knowledge of having a loving heavenly father who keeps his promises and we dont have experience to build that relationship on, patience is just sad and frustrating. Those feelings are natural and real but they are also feelings to be overcome. I think thats what struck me the most. Our feelings are real but that does not make them right. I'm reading a great book right now called "the Coddleing of the American Mind" and it goes into this extensively and where historically this mindset began and how harmful it is to our growth and the development of societal compassion. We live in a time where if you feel something you follow it. You feel all the feelings and the world wants you to live in them. Live in those feelings and let them define you and your experience. Our feelings ARE real and they ARE important to our growth and development, but once we learn what those feelings do for use, WE get to decided what those feelings dictate in our lives and how we apply them. God gave us such an incredible scope of feelings but not all of them promote growth and spiritual health. For example, shame, doubt, anger, they're all feelings we will feel as humans, we get to decided how much space we'll keep for them. In patience, its natural to feel sad, frustrated, confused, even doubtful, but we get to decided what those natural feelings do for us. I think its important to see our feelings as motivators and WE get to decided what they're motivating us to do. I think thats where the wires get crossed too often. We feel motivated by our feelings but sometimes, we feel like our feelings are driving the car. The truth is, we're the drivers and the feelings are the gas pedal, we get to decide where they'll take us. Doubt can take us away from Christ if we slam on the gas and let it run us of the road of rightousness but if we take the feelings and say, "i have all this doubt or all this anxiousness, i' am going to use these feelings to motivate me to seek a deeper understanding of Gods love for me or I am going to use this frustration to focus on talking with others about thier experiences, relating with thier frustrations and problem solving so that when this happens again, my frustration will melt into a more manageable feeling that encourages growth instead of gossip. It's far easier said than done and we all have feelings that are harder for us to control. For so many, it is anger, but it can just as esily be axiety, doubt, sadness, complacency, loneliness. those feelings are 100% real and i would say even needed in order to teach us what needs to change in our lives. Patience can be sad, frustrating, lonely and so many other feelings, but when we recognize those feelings it can give the action of patience so much more depth and turn a painful process into a purposeful one.

decisions, decisions and a spiritual stretch

2/11/2021 We have spent the last 4 months talking ourselves in circles about Chads job. Changes within the companys retirement plan, bonus program, and our potential location have made use re-evaluate the way the company is serving us and if the pros still out-wiegh the cons. We've applied to other jobs, gone though the interview proccess with several companies and even recieved a few offers but we're still scratching our heads and rubbing our eyes. Confused and indifferent, we keep reviewing the facts and the words are starting to sound like...not words. I've said a few phrases so many times, they're starting to loose thier meaning. "If that's what is most important to us than option A shouldn't even still be in the running" and "I guess that's the final nail in the coffin isn't it" and "that is an advantange we might really appreciate and find that we value it more than some of our highest priorities". All these phrases packed a punch the first few times I said them but now they fall flat, as I keep saying them and they get us no where closer to an answer. We're praying, we're fasting, and above all we're communicating so much. We are having real honest conversations about what we want and what we need in a job and in our home life so that has been good. I just wish it was taking us somewhere. I write today because we have to make a decision.... today. It's no longer in our hands to leave the company or stay at our leasure. We've been offered a posistion in Virginia with HP. Chad would need to start NEXT WEEK. I'm a tornado of feelings. Thrilled. It would be a promotion, which would put us in a more favorable bonus bracket with HP (still not what we want but better) we would KNOW where we're going, which is a luxury in HP. And Virginia is a dream state of mine. The history, the weather, the east coast, the schools, the greenery, the CHANGE. It would be a dream come true for me. Downside: the first few months would be just Chad, we would have to live apart for a while which I dread but I know it wouldn't be forever and it would probably be good to have Chad scope out the area before we move the family across the country. There are a lot of details we don't know but to me...a very real option. Chad makes excellent points about the money. If we stay with HP, it would never make sense financially for us to leave ever because we would loose hundreds of thousands to millions of dollars in retirement. Money talks to Chad...expereinces talk to me. This is why were so good together, we show eachother perspectives that we might never consider without one another. Most of the time this makes it easier for us to decide on things, we get more information faster, go through our options with a wider perspective and decided together. But this time, its making it much harder. Perhaps because the stakes are higher than ever before. Chad has recieved enough information about the Virginia job to know that they would be setting us up with a great opportunity to lead and represent our district out there and the nbring us back to AZ with some pretty wonderful job titles in the next 3-5 years. Going where we want AND knowing we'd be able to come back to AZ is beyond a generous offer but Chad cannot wrap his head around being alone in DC for months. We feel differently about this. I know it would be hard, for sure, but i am really craving a challenge, i am craving and famly building opportunity and it feels exciting to think that we could grow closer through eachothers absence and have abeautiful new adventure in Virginia as our reward. 2/15/2021 We still havent heard back from PCI. It is starting to feel like an offer isnt coming, or that if an offer comes, we will not have the offer upen hand, we'll be going into the comany as a 'favor hire' and not a a valued team member or sought after addition to the company (which Oakland still sees us as, as theyre calling every day, answering any questions we have quickly and with great detail and giving us way too much grace with how much we are stringing them along. Hensel Phelps is getting harder to leave every day. Chad is getting more responsibility and praise for picking up the slack of others who are quiting and is now doing everything he needs to to close out his job and making relationships and getting work started for the new project in Virginia, which excited both of us (but me more so). I'll wake up with new feelings of excitment for Virginia only to be reminded how miserable Chad would be and how important that is to me. Its becoming clear that a compromise will be inevitable and I'm going to have to let go os a dream for a season of time and extend a great deal of faith and hope in PCI. At the end of the day, HP will never give us the financial opportunites that PCI coud give us, and i KNOW Chad cant pass that up, especially when the famimly/quality of life is so much better as well. In the wider scope, its easy to see thta the decision is PCI, book closed, dicussion over. But were's the offer? and will Chad feel valued, challenged and happy there? With no offer in hand, chad took the risk and informed his boss that he was looking elsewhere for employment and had an offer lined up. he did it in faith and in good concience, knowing that HP has been nothing but good to us and he never wanted his commitment to them to be questioned or for his bosses/friends to think he was trying to slip out when times got hard but rather that he hoped to help them train his replacement and finish out his job while not getting to invested in a new job and leaving them in the lurch during a transition. It wsa risky but both of us felt like it was the right thing to do. We both felt like they wouldnt fire him on the spot. it was a risk, but it was very unlikely, because franklyy, they needed him, people were leaving and chad has made himself indispensable by taking on a lot of work outside of his job title (not recommended, but it helped us in this situation). His boss was beyond understanding and ven agreed that Chad should look into other options if they offer was right (even though at the time, the offer was non-exitent) 2/16/2021 Chad FINALLY got the offer from PCI and it was better than expected, better car and gas allowance, better salary and a hopeful projection for his first substancial bonus ever. He and I took a deep breath a prepred ourselves for a rough day. Chad would need to go in and solidify his decision with his boss, Julia and the project Head, Bertillini. They both took it considerably welll and were so grateful for his willingess to help with a smooth transision. Chad struggled. HP has been amazing and it is HARD leaving a good company. I have no doubt that if we were to stay with HP, we ould be happy, our family would be well provided for and we would end up being retired with plenty of comfort and stability. so its HARD to say goodbye. Our focus was tokeep relationships strong, express a lot of gratitude and be transparent about why we were leaving (the good and the bad reasons). Chad, as always, did an amazing job and came home exaughsted from all the feelings (feelings make him tired). He called Oakland and thanked them for thier patience and expressed interest in working with them in the future from PCI. THey understood, they were frusterated but they couldnt match what we were getting. HP even came back the next day with a gracious counteroffer...nothing in comparison to what we'd see with PCI. And they knew it. Which is why it was so generous and kind of them to counteroffer. Both of Chads supperieors knew his offer and knew they couldnt match it but, i think, as a sign of good grace, they came back anyway with an offer. They valued chad, from day one to the last day, and i am confident that if by some wild chance we were miserable at PCI in a few months, they'd take Chad back. He even had a few project managers reach out to him and encourage him to take the leap and assured him that they'd vouge for him if he ever needed to come back. That's Chad. He's valuable, loyal, indispensable and irreplacable...but thats just his doughting wife talking. 2/19/2021 Chads last day. It was a hardone. He LOVED HP. It was so hard to close that door, for both of us. I'm going to miss the family feeling and how close you could get with the employees and thier families. The enviroment just fostered great commrodery and the company ften threw family service projects, team building days and holiday patries to get everyone together and getting to know one another. I'm going to miss knowing that Chads bosses ALWAYS had his back. I never wondered if they were using him a a pawn or didnt have his best interest in mind when making bigger, lifestyle changing moves for us. I'm going to miss Julia, Alexis, Adam and Brittany, the Thompsons, the Johnsons, Redwine, hearing stories about George or some crazy interns. I'm going to miss the Christmas party with friends. I'll miss Chad coming home on cloud nine because his hard work was recognized...actually i'll miss it but i'm mainly grateful for it. HP has set a new bar for us, a new standard of work enviroment that we wont lower at any cost. Chad loves being pushed, being valued and learning how to lead and we are so hopeful that PCI will give us those same opportunities and more, but until then, we're sad to leave a company that has only given us so much to be grateful for. 3/1/2021 Chad first day at PCI. I think i wa.. i KNOW i was more nervous than Chad. I wrote him a good luck note with some gum (for good breathe. You cant replace a first impression) and chapstick, becuase he always looses his. I waited all morning for a call..nothing. I text him around lunch and he responded with a short, "cant talk right now can i call you in a bit?'It's fine, i was just biting all my nails off. When he got home, he didnt say much at all. He looked tired so i let it rest and waited for him to tell me about his day when he felt like it...jk, i pressed him all night long for details. He explained that he wasnt able to officially start today because the drug test had not yet been delievered from the lab so they couldnt do much with him other than have him watch others work. boring. boring boring boring. That explains why he looked so tired. I think he was undewhelmed and a little let down by the first day and we both hoped for a better tomorrow. spiritual sidebar: I feel like i started writing this to help me sort out my thoughts and it quickly became a journal entry to document our decision making process. I havent included a lot of my personal struggles because ... its personal. But I want to remember the spiritual struggle this brought me to and how I'm navigating those feelings. Language within the church has always interested me. The way people talk about the spirit, about thier testimony, the phrases that become a part of our religious euridition like "with every fiber of my being" and "I recieved a prompting" and so many others. Only recently have i begun to really draw a line in my life with what i am willing to accept and reject when trying to build my relationship with God and grow a stronger testimony of the gospel. I bring this up because when making decisions, i have always been counciled to pray, read the scripture, fast, turn my cares over to the Lord etc. Some advice really speaks to me because of the language used, it resonated with my personal understanding of how God answers prayers, like when people will say. "Look the the Lord and ask for your will to be aligned with His". That phrase is very similar to 'Ask God to tell you what his will is for you and your family, listen for his voice and he will tell you what he wants you to do". The first phrase resonated with me because it reflects previous experiences I have had with God and its tangible, its happened before in that way. The second phrase, makes me feel uncomfortable, I have never heard Gods voice. I have never HEARD the spirit. It's just not the way I have ever felt inspired and so i would never use those words. I know others have and I'm happy that we can all build our connection to God in different personal ways. But as I talked with friends and family about this big decision, I noticed that they were all so confident that I would "receive and answer" and that I would know what the Lord wanted me to do. Thier confidence only worried me more. I can honestly say that that has almost never happened. I am not saying i haven't ever received answers but i am saying I have never recieved them before hand or during the issue at hand (in my time table at least). Marrying Chad....prayed and prayed, months and months, no answer, no feelings, nothing. I finally told God that I loved this man and was going to marry him and he would have to stop me if it wasn't in His will for me. He didnt stop me.... thats not exactly an answer but i took it as an answer later on. My experiences with God dictate that it was an answer. When moving back to Arizona, we prayed endlessly and stewed over multiple job offers in different states, knowing that our next move would shape our family and set us on an entirely different path than be had seen before in our marriage. No overwhelming feelings, no nudges in either direction. Just laying out the facts, studying the pros and cons as a family and comming to a decision together to move to Arizona. A year after our move, we were in a horrible place, dirt broke, in a a horrible job, feeling helpless and chained to a check that came every two weeks, went entirely to bills and then scrapped by for a week and a 1/2 til we had to pay bills again. I remember Chad saying, "we shouldn't come have come to Arizona" and my heart fell into my stomache. Why hadn't God warned us? Were we not worthy? We had prayed, asked for his blessings and acted on our agency and tried to create a life that would please Him.We payed tithing, through our tears some weeks. For a year or so, it affected me. I felt like I didnt know God anymore and that he didn't care to talk to me. We both went forward and built eachother up over then last year on "Happy"road and used phrases like "God hears our prayers" and "I know God will help us find a way to get groceries" to hold us together. And they did. We truely believe that our tithing came back to us in one way or another those months and years and allowed us to get by. I can honeslty say we were living on faith and the whole experience was ultimately good for us. It took a lot of listening and watching for His hand in my life to realize that the burdens placed upon us were to build us strong enough for the future and were indeed in Gods will for our family. It has ultimately served us well and we have had wonderful experiences with family, been lead to knew job opportunities and had a wonderful 6 years here, but Gods voice never whispered to me mind that Arizona is where He had work for us, or where we would need to be to grow best in the gospel and bless other. It just didn't feel wrong at the time we made the decisions that lead us to where we are. I often wonder what would have happened if we would have taken the job in Idaho that we were offered. I know Chad wonders the same thing. I'm grateful we didnt. And i think that peace comes from God. Friends and family have told me "we felt like we needed to be here" and "we were lead to Arizona and we dont know why but we know this is where God wants us" Or "we had multiple job offers and after praying about it, we felt prompted to accept the offer with XYZ". I've heard, "moving here wasnt something we ever planned on doing but God told us that this is where He wanted us"....God told them? I am here crying on my knees to feel like God cares about the biggest decisions in my life and I can't even get a incling of peace or stuppor of thought and God is over there TALKING to others? People have told me that they have felt like they have been inspired to have each one of thier children...Chad and I prayed about having children, when to have them when to wait but ultimately...no feelings suggesting that God cared either way. I understand that in pretty much all situations, God requires us to act, to make the decisions on our own, for ourselves and to do so according to His will, so why does everyone say that God told them to do something or that they were guided? I think its an issue of the language of the spirit in some situations. We all feel the spirit personally and to compare our expeiences with God is similar to comparing a fathers love between all his children. He loves them all infinitely, but because each is so unique and each child chooses to love the father at thier own pace, the relationships and lines of communication are all vastly different. I had to stop learning how to hear God and instead, learn how to trust Him more. Trust that he is there, loving me, answering my prayers, and mindful of my desire to be close to him. In Elder Scotts Talk , "Learning to Recognize answers to prayers" He said, "The counsel about prayer is true. I have tested it thoroughly in the laboratory of my own personal life. I have discovered that what sometimes seems an impenetrable barrier to communication is a giant step to be taken in trust." I've learned something very important that has shifted my entire understanding of inspiration. God is not mystical. He is not unknown or a secret identity we have to find. He is a part of us. We can understand him because we are of Him. I think I got hung up so long on feelings because I am a feeler. I LOVE feelings, arguably too much, but I love being able to feel so much grateitude that I am moved to tears, I love feeling physically warm all over when I connect with a stranger and see them as God does. Feelings are my jam so I got so hung up on feeling an answer because its what I prefer, what I think I'm good at, and what I associate with the spirit. I can feel just about every emotion in a room and it connects me to people so quickly and so purely so why wouldn't God connect with me through feelings when I need him so personally? Because God wants me to grow. He would not meet me where I am most comfortable to bring me comfort. Because of this, I have felt a need to understand God on a more logical level, a more scietific understanding of our relationship. I know God is a God of miracles, I know He is infinite and eternal. I believe in miracles, I've seen them. Personally and in the world around me. But I needed to take the mystery out of God to remember that he is my Father. My father who loves me, wants me to grow and has given me tools, angels, agency, commandments and covenants to help me. I started with my covenants, it seemed like the most logical place to start. As i prayed i thought about the promises God has made me, and i know they are sure. Promises have a beautiful, simple way of grounding you, "if you do this, i will do this". Its faith in Gods word and comfort in the blessings he offers. i can do that! Its also commandments that I know were given to me to guide me to the blessings. Then I went to the scriptures..the literal, logical word of God. I stopped thinking "If I pray, God will magically open my book the the verse with the answers to my questions" or "If i ask of God, the words will speak the answer to me and i will feel XYZ" I took out the experiences and expectations I've always hoped for and replaced them with the logic. "Gods words were given to me in this dispensation to guide me, if I read them , I will be guided". Just like in D&C 20:17 "By these things we know" or the scientific method, "if/than". It simplfied the proccess, I lowered my expectations and rememberd that God is a God of wonder and miraculous glory, but he has also given us all we need to be stewards over our own dominions...which is a wonder and very glorious. Unless I am starving on the plains of the midwest with my children, with a broken handcart and a crippled horse, i shouldnt expect the horse to be healed, mana from heaven and delivery from death. I should expect God to hold me accountable for the covenants I've made. I should expect God to give me the means to prove my commitment and love to him, the way he did when he sent his begotton Son for me and my family. We have been entrusted. And so we must trust. I know this is all over the place and there are so many thoughts missing or peiced together poorly but in summary. I am relying more on gospel truths to frame my agency tightly. I am focusing on acting on those truths and expressing gratitude for them. And i am going to look harder for evidence of his love for me. Trusting God and asking in faith means asking with confidence in a loving father and I know my relationship will grow as I show confidence in Gods will. 3/5/2021 Chad and I were doing the dishes together on Saturday morning and i nochalantly said 'So chad, 1st week at the new job...how are we feeling?" trying to keep it light and fun because i didnt want him to shut down or tell me what he thinks i want to hear. "Great, it was a great week, I've already got a few big projects to work on, a team to meet with. I feel like they're giving me a shot to prove myself. I got in some good face time with the boss yesterday (they golfed together all afternoon) and I'm getting along really well with everyone." I was releived. If Chads happy, that makes all of this so much easier. I still didnt feel anything, numb to the whole situation which is very much out of character for me. I didnt feel peace about it (definitely relief though so thats a good thing that i need to acknowledge) and i dont feel as upset about the whole situation as I used to. Its kind of like the whole thing has blown over...without a resolve but without a blowout. Just untouched. like i was sanding in the ocean waiting for a massive wave to hit me. i brace myself, ready for impact, praying that God would help me feel my way through it and instead, it passed over me, without touching me. Like I was excited and nervous to be knocked over but my hairs still dry, the sun burning my burnt, thirsty skin, and I'm left waiting for the next wave. I'm have no prblem finding happiness in our situation, contentment and even peace. I feel gratitude in abundance. I've never lost sight of just how truely fortunate we are. We have an eachother, an incredible job, a beautiful home that we love and has provided us with a space to grow together and we have a progressing means of financial stability allowing for us to continue pursuing our dreams. I could never be mistaken for someone who's ungrateful...just unrested. I pray for peace, I know its personal and I'm trying hard to let my gratitude propel me into understanding. I still have questions and a gap in my desires for my relationship with God, but my gratitude has helped me see Gods hand in my life, which reminds me that he is answering prays every day. Like before, i will trut in God and watch for his hand, to show me how he has lead me to answers by allowing me to decide for myself on so many of these big decisions I've struggled through. I'm grateful for Chad. I'm grateful for his patient love for me and his confidence in my strengths I'm grateful for my boys who have been flexible, and united through this whole experience I'm grateful for our home that has been a place of peace for me always I'm grateful for Chads job'I'm grateful his first week went so well I'm grateful for our family get away last weekend, it centered us and reminded me how in sync Chad and I are I'm grateful for the means we have to provide for our families immediate and nonimmediate needs. I'm grateful to have a voice. I'm grateful I live in a healthy marriage where my thoughts and feelings are so valued and respected...even when I wonder if I'm nuts. I'm grateful that I have the luxury of focusing on my relationship with God and my kids relashipship with Him, that i get to spend time teaching them, learning with them and sharing these fleeting days with them as a stay at home mom, its perhaps my favorite blessing. I'm grateful to my parents for everything. Just everything. I'm grateful for prayer I'm grateful for good books I'm grateful for understanding friends I'm grateful for sources of truth in a world of lies I'm grateful for the childrens friend I'm grateful my covenants, they have brought me the most comfort over the past few months as i've reflected on the promises God and I share. I'm grateful for Chad I'm grateful for my boys teacher, they love my kids and communicate so well with me. I know they're in good hands, lerning more than acedemic lessons. I'm grateful for baking I'm grateful for house plants that dont die right away. I'm grateful for sisters who both inspire me with thier beauty and courage and offer me a place to caretake and nurture. I'm grateful that I have hobbies that make me feel alive and push me to discover more of the natural passions I have inside. I'm grateful for the desert, for hiking, for the blaizng skys at sunset and in oddly long "good weather" season we've had this year in AZ I'm grateful to live in AZ were people work hard for what they want and fight for whats right. I'm grateful for my neices and nephews who make me want to be a better example. I'm grateful for the lessons I learn from friends I'm grateful I can enjoy girls night, get away from my daily routine and enjoy the intellect of like minds and relax I'm grateful for the way chad and the boys push me out of my comfort zone and into new hobbies and interests I'm grateful that I have a big backyard that the boys spend hours in every day. I'm grateful for Chad. I'm grateful for the scriptures so so much. I have had a few gleaming experiences where i felt God near and it was always when studying for the weeks come follow me lessons. I'm grateful for parents who listen and always point em towards sources of truth..not just what they think but what i shouldknow in order to decide wht i believe. I'm grateful for photos of my babies that dress the walls of my home. I'm grateful for writing I'm grateful for honest transaction that give me faith in humanity and our ability to help one another I'm grateful for sweet conversations that my kids have I'm grateful for good neighbors I'm grateful for general conference and all the little miracles that happen with personal revelation surrounding it I'm grateful for Easton, his sweet, mild demeanor and his natural love and longing for his family. I'm grateful for Matix and all he teaches me, i"m especially grateful for how different we are and how much love exists between us and our differences, I'm grateful for Liam, his desire to be helpful and his special ability to identify the spiritual nature of things. I'm grateful for Chip, he loves us, and while i dispise cleaning up after him, he is a low maintenance, playful, loving party of our family that i couldnt imagine not having anymore. I'm grateful for Chad, his love for me is one of the biggest peices of evidence that I have a heavenly father who loves me and want me to be happy. He's the biggest blessing, my dearest friend, my secret keeper, listening ear, hard truth speaker, comic relief, Christ-centered family beacon of light. Gathering his family and ushering us into the arms of the Savior. I'm so grateful for his ability to lead, follow, listen, and speak up. If there ever was an answer to prayers, im sure Chad is it.

Carpinteria 2021

With Chad switching companys we were elated to have a full week of PTO to enjoy together before he started his new job with PCI. It all happened so quickly so we had very little time to prepare but I knew i needed a beach so i started hunting for a beach campsite. We found 2 nights at an old favorite of ours and were excited to book it and hit the road. The kids and I love camping so much! Chad likes it but he is not so secretly dreaming of a day that we own and RV and have a more luxurious "glamping" experience. I for one, love being snuggled in a little tent or camper where we go to sleep and wake up to eachothers laughs (and sometimes whimpers) because it brings us a little closer. I love the dirty ankles and eternal bed head that can only come from camping. I love the creative meals that taste best with a little smoke on them and I love having a fresh bouquet of flowers picked during early morning walks on display at the picnic table to make it feel like a home away from home. I just love it all. We left early Wednesday morning and got to the campsite by checkin at 2:30. After setting up the trailer, we headed straight to the beach, that was about 100 yeards away. it was perfect, and by then the sun was just starting to dip so it was "golden hour" and i snapped a few pictures of the boys "breakin in" the beach.

Despite changing Easton twice during our drive, he still blew out of his clothes and was naked by the time we got to the campsite, he loved playing with the spicket while we organized our area. I couldn't get over how lucky we were to have the spot we had, it was reletively open and right next to the beach access. We won the lottery.

"boys get together for a quick picture" *cue wrestleing It was a little chilly so I told the boys to get thier water shoes on so they could have some fun on the rocky walls about a 1/2 mile down the beach incase they weren't able to get into the ocean....they quickly proved that the water was not too cold.

heavenly Each boy ventured off on thier own. I used to be worried about how often they do thier own thing. I want so badly for them to be "inseperable", for them to be eachothers best friends and always wanting to be together but I have found peace in thier individuality. It's something I have always loved about my sisters and I and I'm reminded that proximity and actual closeness are very different things.

in true Matix fashion, he stipped himself down to his underwear with pride, we were the only ones on the beach so i didnt mind.

As for me, I got to collecting rocks and beautiful things to take back to the campsite

The boys helped and we found some "treasures" that were courtesy of 2020, some beautiful rocks, shells galore and some seaweed that i talked Matix into "saving" it at the beach instead of in the camper.

We went back to camp and started dinner over the fire, the boys danced around with thier hot dogs and talked about how they were smoke breathers (seeing thier breath as it got colder) EAaston just laughed at hi crazy brothers and all the boysbegged to go to bed as soon as they finished eating which is probably one of my favorite perks to camping. Tired babies! UNfortunately, in spite of thier tiredness, Easton didnt sleep a winnk and spent the first 1/2 of the day crying, putting a real damper on our morning. But it was nothing a nature walk couldnt fix. Right on the camsite was a beautiful walk with educational signs and overlook areas all along the way. Everyone enjoyed the walk, i enjoyed the senic views, chad enjoyed the baby snuggles, Liam enjoyed jumping off the wooden walk way down onto the sand and Matix enjoyed collecting flowers and treasures for his girlfriend (me of course).

Chad ended up having to find a drug testing facility close by so he could take a test and send it to PCI and get working on time so we headed into Santa barbara after our walk and dropped chad off, it only took a few mintes so we reseach fun areas to explore there sice we had never been there before. We went to the peir were, you guessed it, everyhting was closed. It was still beautiful so we walked around and got out our kites to take advantage of yet another empty beach.

after some kites, some pizza and some delicous tacos, we hit the beach till the sun went down.

we got back in time to make dinner and a special dessert, pinapple upside down cakes for everyone! The boys loved it! Easton was running out of steam a little earlier than the rest of us and fell asleep while eating his nachos. He slept a little more soundly that night and so we all slept a little more soundly. i guess we were all so tired se slept through the racoons ransacking our campsite and stealing the boys crabs and sea snails from the bucket of water they had saved them in. They were mildly upset but a little trilled that we had been bugluraized by giant squirels.

I sure love my boys. Sometimes i sit back and just watch them in wonder, thinking, who are they going to be? The beach realy allows for a lot of sitting back and watching, being in the moment and really soaking in who my boys are right this instant. I'm forever grateful to grow in the moments with them.