Change in plans...

I would like to start by saying....I LOVE my baby boy. He's everything I ever wanted. This however doesn't mean that the last three weeks have been all rainbows and butterflies. In fact,it's been a little hellish, in the best way of course...very bitter sweet.
   I'll jump right into it, I've had some serious boob problems. Liam and I have been working so hard at breastfeedin but I think I found another thing that I;m really naturally horrible at. the first week was hard, just as I thought it would be but I was prepared for that, i knew it would be difficult but as I got to the 2nd week and my problems had multiplied, I knew something was really wrong. My sweet boy was so sad all the time, and famished. It was like I wasn't feeding him every two hours. He was always searching and even after feedings he would just cry himself to sleep. I wish I could accurately convey to you just how much it broke my heart.
 Side note:  Liam is amazing, I know every mother loves their son but Heavenly Father knew what he was doing sending that sweet child to me because we're so good together. Liam is so aptient and understanding.
So with all these feeding problems, as you can imagine, I was on my knees a lot. I prayed that I;d know what to do to make my son happy and that if I wasn't doing something right, that I'd be given the tools to succeed. And mainly, I prayed that I wouldn't feel like such a failure. I always just thought that since I wanted it so badly, I'd be a good nurser but it turns out there are a few more factors in there.
  We went in for Liams first appointment 5 days after he was born and he had lost a lot of weight, which is normal but I explained that I was worried about my supply. I had started pumping a few days earlier and my supply had gradually gone down and my baby always seemed hungry. The doctor seemed worried as well, he reffered me to a lactation consultant.
   I didn't go right away. I wanted to give myself a little more time, maybe I was just still getting the hang of it. But as the days went on, Liam got hungrier and hungrier and my supply seemed to get smaller and smaller.
   By the next Monday I was anxious to get to the lactation consultant. When we got there and it all becomae very clear...
1st-My son was infact starving. We wouldnt even practice latching becasue he was so hungry and upset that he couldn't function.
2nd-I was misinformed. In the hospital I was advised to use a nipple shield. I had struggled to get Liam to latch the first day (becasue yeah, it was the 1st day). My nurse told me to use the nipple shield and that it would be a great way to feed from then on out. That was false, I should have been told that it's a viable long term option for 10% of women who try it and 90% use it the first day or so to get their baby started and then they ween off of it because it stops the three steps of milk transfer. It can stop Liam from latching deep enough, which will make the milk less accessible which had decrease my supply because he wasn't able to get as much out of me and that told my body that it didn't need to produce as much.
3rd- I would need to start from square one....or really square zero or negative one because now sweet Liam had gotten used to latching right on the end  (which, moms, you know how horrible that is), and I would now need to break that habit and somehow increase my supply to get him to gain a healthy amount of weight.

 We sat in the hospital, relearning everything and trying to get a good latch for literally 3-4 hours. The whole time, poor Liam was screaming, and who could blame him, he was being forced to latch deeper , which was undoubtablt hard work for the little guy, only to find that there was practically no milk in me.
   The lactaiton consultant taught me how to finger feed using a syringe and lots of practice. Finally after 2 bottles of similac supplement formula, my sweet babe (amazingly still hungry) stopped screaming. I was so relieved. The consultant was amazing, she gave me so much information, and some great tools for the coming weeks but she kept saying, "this is going to be hard, and it may not work for you but it sounds like you're willing to give anything a shot" and I was.

  I went home completely overwhelmed and ready to start retraining my baby and my body. I ditched the nipple shield, (as a disclaimer, I know this works for a lot of people so I would never completely condemn it but for me...I blame it entirely for these issues, I know if I would have know about the risks involved I wouldn't have used it.) I started pumping every hour, eating oatmeal, using herbal supplements, and latching with my little guy. 
  I was tired, REALLY tired and stressed all the time. My supply was still getting smaller and Liam was still not latching well, again, why would he? No milk in there! We continued to supplement with Similac from the hospital via finger feed (which, by the way, took 3 times as long to do and he would spit up half of it) and he seemed a little less hungry but still obviously unhappy. I told myself that I would give my body and my baby a fair amount of time before we made any decisions about supplementing, so I stuck at it. My breast got more and more sore. Liams latches became more and more painful and there was no change in my supply. Liam ws getting hungry again and I was in tears.... all day long.(as was Liam)
   I felt guilty, this is something that should come naturally to me and here I am, completely unable to give my baby the only thing he really needs for the next few months... food. I'm heartbroken. SO is Chad, but for different reasons. I was heartbroken because I was faced with the possible conclusion that breastfeeding, this awesome bonding experience that I had prepared for and heard so many wonderful things about , might not be in our future anymore. I'd fail my son already and he wasn't even a month old. Chad was heartbroken because he could see how counterproductive everything we were doing was but he knew it wasn't as easy as telling me to supplement, he knew it meant more to me than that and that it meant more than that for the health of our baby.
  We prayed a lot.  Mainly for peace and sleep but also for confidence in whatever decision we made together in the coming weeks.
   I'm happy to say that while this past month has been really rough, sleepless and stressful, Chad and I have never been more in sync. In a phone conversation with my dad, he said "Can you believe some people do this ALONE?" I hadn't thought about that in a while but I was filled with gratitude for my amazing husband who has never made me feel alone, even in situation where I had the right to, he made sure he was always there. Plus my amazing family who has been calling me every day to check on me and make sure I'm getting through the blues and that I can ask them questions.
  Through out this whole experience, they were nothing but supportive, which is good because in my emotional state, I was against myself and I needed to be reminded that I was the most qualified person to make this decision.

       SO here we are, my baby is a just under a month old, my milk supply is still about 2 ounces every hour and a half, while Liam eats 3-4 ounces every 2-3 hours and he still will not latch. Chad and I talked with friend and family, doctors and experts about formula supplementing and decided to do half breastmilk and half formula until my supply runs out....yeah it sounds really basic but for this new mom, it seemed like the hardest decision ever.Pumping stinks, big time, but I'm so grateful I can at least do that, even is its extremely time consuming. Liam is a new boy! He's so happy! Turns out, I just needed to feed the kid! Liam is happy, for the first time since he was born, he's eating well and his sweet little body is adjusting will to the changes. I'm happier, Chads happier and we're finally able to truly enjoy our sweet son. It took a lot for me to come to terms with the idea of NOT breastfeeding but I know we're doing whats best for Liam now and we can finally move forward.