Just too much

Normally my posts are pretty peppy. I feel like generally I'M pretty peppy, I see the good in things, I can laugh off a bad day, I can see the lessons learned from hard situations.

But yesterday was too much

Ever since we moved to Arizona, Liams eczema has been horrible. Just the dryness in the air and the allergies from all the blooming/shedding trees has made him get these horrible eczema rashes on his legs, arms and neck. He scratches until they bleed so I've had to keep him in light long sleeve shirts and pants to help him not scratch, which means that I've also had to keep him inside more than I'd like to so he doesn't sweat and make the issue even worst.

It's been horrible.

So I finally got him an appointment with a local pediatrician and took him in. The only appt they had was in the middle of his nap but I just wanted to get him in so i figured I'd just wake him up and hour early and put him down early to work our naps around our schedule instead of the other way around like usual.We come into the office and the lady at the front hands me a huge packet of paper work to fill out (my last place had 3 forms...3, thats it). I started filling it out but they called us back so we stripped Liam down, weighed him, measured him and thats where it all started.

Liam started fussing when the nurse tried to measure him so i tried to explain what she was doing and calm him down with songs but that seemed to frustrate him more.

Whatever Liam, my voice is awesome.

The doctor came in and confirmed my diagnosis, which I was relieved to hear. I was worried it was a food allergy because it was so inflamed that it started looking less like eczema and more like leprosy. He did say however that it was in a sever stage and several areas had developed staff infections. Yikes! I was so sad, I'd tried so hard to keep it clean and moisturized, but he needed to see a doctor like 3 weeks ago.

 I would have taken him to the doctor weeks ago but absolutely NO doctors in the valley would accept out of state medicaid (which makes sense I guess)  and our insurance through Chads work didn't kick in until June 1st. We even considered taking him to an urgent care but the most affordable one was $140 just to get in the door.

The doctor told me he would need to take topical and oral antibiotics and steroids (yuck) and an addition topical pharmaceutical grade moisturizer. Each prescriptions 3 times a day. That's 9 TIMES A DAY that I'm medicating my 17 month old. bleh.

The doctor proceeded to do the basic check up on Laim, afterwhich, Liam proceeded to throw the biggest fit in Liam history. He did, what i like to call, the death roll. Have you ever seen an alligator right after its been captured? It rolls around and throws all its weight as hard as it can from side to side while jerking its head into a roll, followed by its body. Yeah, Liam does that. Its ridiculous and makes me look like a mother with absolutely no control...because in that moment, I am a mother with absolutely no control of my child.We barely make it through the ear inspection and then the nurse brings in the shots.

If he wasn't crying before, he's crying now. Hard and loud. He wouldn't let me comfort him though, he wouldn't even let me hold him so I try to put him on the table aaannd death roll. So i put him on the floor.

I do the best i can to put his clothes on and 10 minutes later we're finally leaving the office and headed to the front desk to check out. I haven't even touched the forms, my hands have been a little full so i get to the counter, Liam screaming directly in my ears and refusing to be appeased by the gold fish, grapes, books, stickers, apple juice, or even my secret weapon, avocado (his favorite snack). He would just hit it out of my hand and scream louder. Over his screams, I ask the receptionist if i could fill out the forms and bring them back (hoping that she would see i was in no condition to sit down and fill out 8-10 insurance/medical history forms.)

"I'm sorry, you can't leave until we have all the forms filled out and the billing information proccessed."

Soooooo i brought my screaming flayling son over to the toy area  in the waiting area and showed him the blocks...which he threw at my ankles and continued crying.

20 minutes. 20 more long loud minutes i tried to fill out the forms as fast as i could. In between countless "ssshhh"s and "Almost done sweetheart"s. I filled out 4 forms. FINALLY the same reciptionist came over and siad "you know, if you'd like, you can just fill out the rest of these forms at your next appointment in 3 months?"

Are you freaking kidding me.

Maybe when i asked if i could fill them out later you could have said that?! At this point i notice that everyone is looking at me, just hoping me and my noisy son will finally leave. I thank the receptionist for "letting me leave" and tears just start streaming down my face. I wasn't crying, but i was so stressed out, i couldn't even hold the water in my eyes any longer!

Embarrassed, frustrated and exhausted i rush out of the office and put my son in his car seat and head to Wal-greens to pick up my plethora of drugs. As soon as i turn on the car....silence. Liam just stopped crying and drank his sippy cup. Some people would be relieved... I was furious. Serious? screaming for an hour and now that no ones around....nothing?! I was so tempted to yell but quickly rememebred that neither of us would benifit from that so i just cried. Then i called Chad and cried some more.

Here's the icing on the cake. I finally compose myself and pull into the Wal-Greens pharmacy drive-through and i get a phone call. It's the Dr. office, i had left in such a hurry, i left my wallet and immunization records.

Great, as if i wasn't embarrassed enough, now i had to endure another walk of shame to retreive 1/2 the crap my son threw accross the room while i was trying to fill out those stupid forms.

The whole day went like that.

And unlike most situations in the past, i could find no excuse for him. He wasn't in pain, he wasn't tired, he MIGHT have been getting in his molars, big might (believe me, i held on to that all day), but for the most part, he was just crying because he's 17 months and that's what babies do sometimes. and sometimes at the very worst times. I've never seen my son throw such an uncontrollable, ridiculous and dramatic fit. I was embarrssed, frustrated and defeated.

But i picked up his medicine, took him to his scheduled play date (which i considered punishing him and not going but honestly, that would be punishing me and he would just be grouchy at home and have no idea that we were ever going to the splashpad.) Afterwhich we went home, i applied all his goopy thick creams and ointments and laid him down for his nap. I sat on the couch and cried a minute. All i wanted to do was pop a bag of extra butter popcorn and watch whatever i had recorded on my DVR but i'm on stupid Whole30 so instead i grabbed a bag of snap peas and worked on my singing time lesson for Sunday, folded laundry and designed the flyer for our ward service activity.

Chad got home just before Liam woke up so i told him i needed to get out of the house...fast. He hugged me and handed me my keys. I love that man.

Where I wanted to go: Lay out by my parents pool and read the Ensign.
Where I went: To Sams club to spend all our money on groceries and meal prep for the next month. bleh.

2 hours later, I'm home, cutting up 10 pounds of chicken, a $20 pork roast, kabob meat, a pineapple, watermelon, strawberries and washing all my berries and veggies, and putting them in tupperware and plastic bags.

Now its 11. Chad ushers me to bed and I say my prayers and start thinking about my day. I  should be ticked. My day was so wild but I felt so accomplished. I did a lot of things i had never had to do before. I survived. And i survived well. I got a lot done in spite of my circumstances. But I've decided thriving is much more enjoyable than surviving. And I learned that we can thrive personally from surviving and that motherhood requires days of surviving.

Lets just hope they're few and far between.