I am enough

Nice thing about blogs ...you can stop reading at any time! So if you don't wanna hear anything but the rainbows and sunshine...stop reading :)

I've gotta do it though, I want to remember the hard times, and my hard times may look like someone elses piece of cake but it's real.

I'm struggling. I'm not complaining here but sometimes when I put my issues into words, its easier for me to face them head on.

    I adore being a mom, Liam makes me so happy and learning how to be a parent with Chad has been so amazing. I knew it would be time consuming and difficult. I knew it wouldn't all make sense and that all the books in the world wouldn't have the answers for my unique circumstance but I didn't realize how much I'd be willing to sacrifice for it or how completely committed i would instantly become.
   
    Fresh out of college, I received a job offer that pays about 3 times more than my current position. It's a job that I would LOVE. I'd be able to work directly with individuals who need family and relationship oriented help and I'd be able to do it my way. I wouldn't have people yelling at me because my husband wont unclog their toilet or lying to me about whether they're installing a washer and dryer in their apartment, or calling me a thief when I can't give them all of their $200 refund back when they leave thier apartment trashed. I could have the job I worked 4 years through college for. But instead, i'm working exactly where I've been working for the past 3 years.
  Upon receiving the offer during my last semester, I talked with Chad about what would be best for our family. I wanted this job bad but I was 4 months pregnant. By the time I graduated and got settled into my new job and house and done with maternity leave (assuming I'd have any after working there only a month or so), we'd only have  6-7 months left in Rexburg. I would be possible but we'd have to get someone to watch Liam.
 
So with that last little detail, I knew I wouldn't be taking the job.
 
As appealing as this new job was, our current job is ideal for our living situation right now. I wanted to badly to work with these people I had interned with and the job was perfect for me. I LOVED getting people out of their comfort zones and helping them improve their quality of life, it was a priceless and extremely rewarding position. I miss it so much. I miss being able to work with people that respect my degree and know that I have something t offer them. I miss the commute, driving to Idaho Falls and just thinking was one of my favorite times of the day. I miss the idea of making enough money to save more. I graduated from college and I'm still living the student paycheck life.

     I was at a social with some friends and we were getting to know some new girls in the stake, they were all talking about their jobs. It sounded so wonderful, one of them talked about how glad she was to finally be a nurse in a hospital and how it's always been her dream to do that, another talked about how rewarding her job as a teacher was. Each of them explained that while they're hours were insane and the work was difficult, it was wonderful and they were living the dream. Making enough money to pay off student loans,doing what they love and working to be th best at what they do. Acheiveing.

     I felt out of place...i don't know why, and I'm ashamed that I compared myself to them at all because we have very different circumstances but I'd be lying if i said I wasn't a little sad.

      I've decided that its not about proving to others what I'm capable of, but more so, it's about being at peace with my decision. Sometimes the right decisions do not reap the rewards we wish they would. I know that, for our family, staying at home, being with Liam and keeping our current job up is what we need to do. Liam needs me and I need him to teach me how to be a mom. I'm so glad I'm with him every day but I'm learning that it was more of a sacrific than I thought. I never really hopped on the "I can do hard things" band wagon. I think we can all do hard things and we don't need to explain or prove anything to anyone but ourselves but I do believe that we personally need to know that we're capable of doing things that are hard even if they don't seem difficult to other or if others don't appreciate the difficult trials we face.
 
    I though "I'll be able to work, and be with Liam ...best of both worlds. What I didn't realize is that work and Liam don't always mesh...in fact they hardly mesh. I find myself walking around the office for the majority of the day, bouncing him on my hip or having him stand on the desk while with my free hand, I enter tenant info into the system or make calls when he isn't talking and cooing too loudly. If he falls asleep, it's short lived because as soon as the phone rings, hes up. If I need to give someone a tour, i've got to lug little liam up and down 2-3 filght of stairs, ourside in the Rexburg wind and try to pacify him while explaining rates and amenities to perspective tenants.

     It's no easy task, and at times I feel like I'm doing both jobs 1/2 way. Which I hate more than anything. My philosophy has always been to commit yourself to quality work, to never bit off more than you can chew and to do each task to the best of your abilities and right now I'm struggling to find that balance. It's even harder when the work I'm doing in the office isn't what I love and I'd so much rather go home and be with my son.
    
      SO this is not me saying "I can do hard things" because I don't need to prove that to anyone, but this is me saying that I can do hard things that I don't want to do. I can be proud of my accomplishments, even if they don't seem life the achievements the world expects me to be striving towards. I can sacrifice a few of my personal goals and aspirations for the good of my family and I can find peace with the decision I've made and appreciate the fact that While my job isn't my dream job right now, being a mother is, and any job that allows me to provide for my family AND be with my son each day, is a blessing.

      I'm grateful for my trials...they're so personally mine. They teach me the specific lessons that I need to learn and I know while I'm not achieving what I thought I'd want to be working towards right now, I'm growing and achieving in the Lords eyes and in my families eyes and that's enough for me.