Background

Friday, July 31, 2015

Faith and other thoughts

 I've been thinking a lot about faith lately. Mainly because I've had to have so much of it to get by. I've always thought of myself as a faithful person, hopeful and generally believing but because I've always considered it a strength of mine, and because I've had plenty of experiences to strengthen my faith I've never really struggled with it.

This week, I've struggled.

 I feel like the past 2 months or so have just been a long string of unfortunate events and difficulties, peppered with just enough moments of grace to keep me dangling from my ever-shortening rope. Between, not being able to sell our truck as we'd planned and paying hundreds of unbudgeted dollars in gas for months, and selling our truck just in time for my car to break down, making us car-less with hundreds of dollars lost in unsuccessful repairs, and staying home for weeks at a time, making and eating leftover and digging into our food storage (which we're grateful that we had). This week brought its own challenges as the community surplus swap and pancake breakfast I've spent hours and hours organizing is tomorrow and I still have no car, so trying to get everything prepared has required me to delegate almost everything and left me unable to watch it all come together after months of work and sacrifice.

  It's not all bad, I definitely see the little tender mercies and moments of Godly grace. I've seen ward member come out of the woodwork and take things off my plate right before I was going to break, and I've seen mechanics waive fees and give advice that's saved us money, I've seen answers to prayers through a sister sharing the visiting teaching message, not even with me, but I overheard her insights and was inspired to keep fighting the good fight. I've seen Liam behave perfectly for a hour in the store because I just know I would have lost it and broke down in tears if he had one more tantrum that day. I will never forget to mention that grace that God shows me, it's there, even if I have to pray at the end of the day and ask God to show me the good, it's there.

   Last night after our second visit to the mechanics and 3-4 hours of working on the car with no avail, I cried to Chad, "We're paying our tithing, we're living right, we're keeping the commandments, what aren't we doing? Why isn't the Lord blessing us!?" I cry writing it, almost as much as I cried while saying it. I sound like one of those doubting saints in all those Joseph Smith films I watching growing up (not to compare myself to them, that's silly). I'm not doubting, just very discouraged. I know we're being blessed, its just taken so much effort to see the blessings and recognize that while the hardship isn't being taken away, I've been given the grace to push through. Pathetically and barely push through.

   Chad leaned over to me last night and said "I hate it here". I knew that was how he felt but hearing it without his normal optimistic spin was hard. Mainly because I agreed. We love being close to family, it's been a blessing and a blast but we are our own family and we haven't found our groove here. We've tried, we've been here almost 5 full months and I feel like it should feel a little more like home but it doesn't. We talk a lot about our decision to move here, it was a very personal and well thought out decision, but now it feels like any other option would have been better. We've talked about how we prayed and felt strongly like we needed to be in AZ, we had other options, we had a lot to consider but we felt like the Lord needed us here.

   We've considered the idea that we made the wrong choice, or that we misunderstood the promptings but I can't deny our feelings to be here. I feel like it should be easier to have faith since I know Chad and I had the prompting to come to AZ but somehow it's still the hardest thing we've ever done, just to live each day in hopes that we aren't wasting our time and efforts in a place we're unhapy and in circumstances that seem to be halting our progression. Some nights we just hold eachother as we cry and pray for a better day tomorrow. I'm so glad I have Chad, he's my rock, and he's always kneeling next to me when we pray for peace. Our dependance on the Lord has increased and so has our respect for one another as we've seen each other slap on a happy face and work harder for our familys peace.

   I don't write for sympathy or to tell you how faithful or unfaithful we are, I just write to remember. I know this is but a short season of our lives and that we will come out stronger and happier then ever but I want my kids to know, there will be dark days. You will wrestle with feelings of doubt and uncertainty, just as Jacob, the covenant keeper did. 'In the face of every trial, Jacob had remained faithful and God had been with him as promised. In the end, it was the Lord who commanded him to leave Laban’s land and return to the land of Canaan.' Jacobs conflicts were much more literal and drastic than ours but he had fear, anxiety and truly wrestled with the Lord as I have.

   'It likely seemed a life crisis of staggering proportion in Jacob’s mind. He feared his family faced annihilation. Just as important, the promises of God were on trial; perhaps for a moment or two they looked like empty words and hollow phrases. But this life crisis set the stage for two events that would confirm forever the course of Jacob’s future. First, he earnestly pleaded with God for safety; second, he wrestled that night for a desperately needed blessing at the hand of Deity (see Gen. 32:9–12, 24–30).'
   'We do not know how long Jacob prayed that day at the river Jabbok, but surely his prayer was intense. In it, he acknowledged the Lord’s goodness as well as his own heartfelt unworthiness. He pleaded for deliverance from the impending catastrophe, reminding God that He had told Jacob to leave Padan-aram and that He had also promised Jacob that his posterity would be as innumerable as the sands of the sea. How could this promise come to pass if Jacob and his family were annihilated?'
That night, as Jacob was settling down, inspiration came.

  I know my inspiration will come. I bear testimony that the Lord will never leave us, he will always answer our prayers, he will bless us and keep our families protected only as we exercise faith. This month in primary, the scripture our kids are memorizing is 2nd Nephi 27:23 " For behold, I am God; and I am a God of miracles; and I will show unto the world that I am the same yesterday, today, and forever; and I work not among the children of men save it be according to their faith."  I know that the Lord has a miracle just for me and that through my faith, wrestling with the Lord and giving all I am to Him, it will be revealed to me. I don't know when or how but I know I'll always try to live my life worthily so I'll be ready in the Lords time to go and do what He wants me to and find peace in my obedience.

2 comments:

  1. Anonymous5:47 PM

    I adore you more than words can say. It was such a blessing to hear your thoughts and testimony on the cruise. Something I will always cherish!

    ReplyDelete
  2. The dark days are so dang hard, and make life seem so pointless...especially when you're doing everything right. Hang in there Kayla! Can we be friends when we move back please?! I can't wait to meet Liam!

    ReplyDelete