Lessons Learned - Hope Healed - Faith Restored

Sometimes you have to put on a movie, give your two year old a bowl of popcorn and plop him down right in front of the TV so you can type out your feelings. Another really tough week this week. Lots of tears, prayers and disappointments. I'm not meaning to complain so I apologize if it comes off as a "Wo is me" kind of post. That's not my intention. I've said it before, this blog is for my kids and I want them to know we have struggles and that we get through them as a family. At least I hope that's what they get from this. Hope used to be a happy bright word for me but lately, I've allowed it to become a term of desperation. A word that means uncertainty more than it means faith and I know that's wrong but when you live in AZ and you feel like you see more dark days than not, hope seems like a fleeting feeling, that comes and goes at it chooses, and only in the ups of life or when opportunities come around.

Hope is a decision.

I heard that quote today and it rejuvenated my heavy heart. I know it's true but while tripping and stumbling through the last 8 months of unfortunate mishaps and disappointments, I'd forgotten it. I find I'm most hopeful when my future looks clear, bright and predictable. Example#1: I was hopeful when we applied for BYU-I, we had bright opportunities if it didn't work out, it was clear that our chances of getting in were very good and no matter what we predicted going to school at one of the 4-5 universities we applied to as a couple. Example #2:I was hopeful when we moved to Cambridge Court and became resident managers, We had bright opportunities to build a very underdeveloped company and make ourselves assests. It was clear that we would be challenged with the new obstacles that would come from working together as a couple but it would help us grow and push us into being a stronger couple and better leaders, and we predicted gradual raises and even if we didn't get those raises, we felt secure in the benefits of free housing and the many other perks that came with managing. Lastly, I was hopeful when Chad got the job offer to Wood/Patel and Associates. The benefits and salary were clearly laid out, we predicted a great potential for growth and networking within the company and in the state of Arizona. And nothing's more bright than living close to family in the sunniest state in US.

     This past year has provided very little clarity, predictability and brightness of hope. I've seen more desperateness, "last straw"moments and dark days than ever before but I'm grateful to say that Chad and I have been stronger than ever and any brightness and joy I've experienced has been in direct relation to him and his optimistic attitude and loving heart (not to mention our adorable son who makes us grateful to be alive every day). But all things temporal have fallen into pieces around us and while family and the gospel are everything, everything else is still there. Bills, cars, homes, jobs, wards, friends, etc. Its all still important and no matter how in-order your priorities are, some temporal things are just tough to work around. It's made me really dissect my testimony of more core doctrinal concepts that seemed simple because I've "always known them" but i realized I needed a much deeper understanding of them in order to honestly bear my testimony of their strength and significance in my life.

   Previously this year when reflecting on faith and its significant in my relationship with my Savior and his plan for me, I thought up the saying "faith works as you wield it". I know that faith is a constant choice and action, it not something that you just "have"but instead you ARE faithful, faith is something that you act in. Hope and faith are similar to this effect, hope isn't something that you just have, its a choice you make and an attitude you have. In both cases, it's not a magical gift given only to you when you need it or when you're in the right circumstance, its a choice you make each day when you wake up.
 
  I think having such little control over some of my more temporal circumstances has forced me to look hard at what I do have control over. Such as my happiness, my faith, my hope, who and how i serve, and the example that I'm setting for my family. I'm in control of my response to the disappointments and downfalls of this year. I'm in control of my own personal growth and progression, while most of the mishaps of this year were unavoidable and truly just unfortunate events, some were results of poor planning, or uneducated decisions. I'm in control of taking these experiences and learning from them, I can ask my Savior what he would have me learn and how to better myself through each loss. I know I've been lead to where we are for a reason and I'm grateful to know that I can be at peace with the Lords will for me even if I don't understand why he's lead me here, I've learned that I don't have to know why, not just right now, but ever. All I need to know is that I'm submitting myself and my family fully to the Lords will for us and that He has our growth and eternal progression at the top of His list.

    I know that hope is a decision and faith works as you wield it. I know that mistakes are not just necessary for our growth but they're healthy and humbling. I know that misfortune comes to everyone. Hardships have no bias, they're important for our progression and a personal to our journey with the Savior. I also know we wont always understand why the Lords put us in certain places with certain people but we can have faith in his infinite knowledge and find comfort in the fact that his perspective is infinitely wider and wiser than our own.

I heard a stranger say "Religion doesn't give you answers, it stops you from asking questions." I'd like to end this little diatribe by rebuking this. I thought about it a lot (studying sociology taught me the value of questioning things and understanding foreign perspectives). I've decided that religious or not, there are questions we will never have an answer to, there are problems we'll never be able to trace back to a purpose or cosmic, spiritual reason. We will always question, think and aspire for further light and knowledge, its human nature, but ONLY religion can give you all the answers you seek, if not in this world, the next. It's through my knowledge of a loving Savior that died for me and all my thoughts, doubts, fears and pains personally, that I KNOW that all my questions can be answered one day and ARE answered everyday as I ask in humble prayer. Sometimes through a feeling of peace, other times through direct words, and most often, through angelic friends and family who offer insights followed by the spirit confirming its heavenly message.

Trials are what I am most grateful for this year. They've stretched my testimony, and made me spiritually awake and alert, warning me, humbling me and teaching me to be prepared for what I'm sure is going to be a challenging and exciting future.