We know how this ends

Kids

Listen Up.

This is for you.

Honestly it's for me but I hope with all my heart you'll read this and learn a few very important things.

Chad and I have seen trial after trial after trial since moving to Arizona. We've seen thousands of dollars in car repairs, expectations gone unrealized, and hope dissolved by heaps of unforgiving reality. Just when we think "that's it, we must have hit bottom, time to start heading in the right direction, time to see the hidden blessings, time to succeed" we get another devastating blow, reminding us that there is so much more to loose. I'll give a recent example.

Today.

   We started the day with Chad taking my car since we just realized last week that the inside (the hardly visable) part of my tires were so balled that they could blow any minute. We thought it was because they weren't rotated adequately since it had only been 3 months since their last service. That meant we'd be paying for 2 new tires....great.   I chose to spend the day cleaning the house and organizing baby clothes since I couldn't leave in Chads car. His CV axel has been acting up for a couple months and it's too dangerous to drive on now. I had plenty to do at home so I thanked my Heavenly Father for a roomy house with adequate AC and tried to entertain my children for the 3rd day of staying in the house...not easy.
  I get a call from Chad later in the morning, he informs me that something is horribly wrong with my car and he can't even make it from the store back to his work. Car problems shouldn't surprise us at this point but the more we have the more shocking it becomes that we're still finding new parts to break. Luckily we've learned and our insurance covers tows for 15 miles. Chad calls the insurance and they should be there in 1.5 hours to pick him up and tow him to our local mechanic/new best friend.
  In the mean time, it's Friday so I'm paying ALL our months bills. After our basic (which have become our ONLY bills) tithing, power, water, phone, internet, insurance, life and hospital bills we have hardly anything for the next two week. Luckily Chad donates plasma (I know, gasp) because without his small income from that, we wouldn't have grocery money. Between gas and few other small budgeted categories (Toiletries, clothing/haircuts, and babysitters...all of which, we often go without) we are almost always in the red. Gratefully, I get some money from teaching lessons once a month, most of which goes toward saving...which ends up going towards car troubles, sunblock, chad lunches (when i forget to pack him something), and all that misc. stuff that I've heard other people pay for without thinking too much about it. We paid all the bills. They always get paid. On paper it doesn't make sense. My excel sheet always shows a deficit, we shouldn't be able to but somehow we're always able to make ends meet. Those pesky blessings in disguise. I was joking with a friend earlier this week that I'm getting tired of blessings in disguise, I'd like more obvious blessings.
  It's a joke of course, I'm grateful for blessings in all their forms but most importantly, I'm grateful when I'm able to identify them and recognize Gods hands. I'm not always able to, I'm working on that. I used to be so much better but I feel like my trials have helped make my weaknesses more transparent.

I'm grateful for that.

I'm getting too wordy. The rest of the day in three sentences. The insurance company accidentally cancelled our tow truck without telling us and Chad waited for no one for 4 hours until they finally answered and fixed their error, but it was too late, Chad wouldn't be able to donate plasma...no groceries this week. Oakland called (A company Chad applied to and had an excellent interview with the week prior) They decided to go with someone fresh out of college, they would have to pay him more than they were able to at the time. And because we were late to the mechanics, I wouldn't have a car til Tuesday (At the earliest) of next week.

The rest of the weekend followed suite as Liam yanked Matixs elbow out of place and luckily my dad new a doctor who would be willing to come over and pop it (painfully) back into place because heaven knows out insurance doesn't cover nearly enough of our urgent care bills. And my car, the same wheel hub we replaced last year is out again, it has a warranty, but unfortunately, it expired 3 weeks prior. There's our family vacation money for the year...poof...gone.

Kids, This is the good part. I have confidence that you will face trials far greater than your fathers and mine. You'll be able to handle more, you'll be challenged harder and succeed far greater than us, but of this be sure, you'll have dark days. No matter how many good choices you make, no matter how much you prepare, you'll fail. Sounds harsh I know, but it IS harsh. Adam and Eve were cast out of the garden and the ground was cursed. CURSED. Do you get that?! But here's the mercy, it was cursed FOR THEIR SAKE. It was all for the benefit of their souls. It shaped them...welded them together as companions but more importantly is sealed them to the Savior.

   Turning to the scriptures and the words of apostles and prophets have been the source of almost all the answers to my prayers the past 6 months or so. While reading a talk from Elder Bednar I found a quote from Elder Maxwell that changed my perspective on trials. “As we confront our own … trials and tribulations, we too can plead with the Father, just as Jesus did, that we ‘might not … shrink’—meaning to retreat or to recoil (D&C 19:18). Not shrinking is much more important than surviving! Moreover, partaking of a bitter cup without becoming bitter is likewise part of the emulation of Jesus.” He referenced Mosiah 15:7, and examined becoming "swallowed up in the will of the father", and its connection to our journey to "become". Trials are so very essential in the journey for many reasons but we've learned that to get the tiniest glimpse of the Saviors plea in the garden, is to better understand our dependence upon the Fathers will. He later describes every devoted disciple as having 'strong faith in the Savior and submissively accepting of His will and timing in our lives—even if the outcome is not what we hoped for or wanted.' 

We're learning that.

But here's another thing I want you to know.

Probably the greatest truth I've come to KNOW, not just believe, is that the Lord wants all of his children to SUCCEED. He hasn't programmed our life, or planned out His will for us to fail or even live in mediocrity. Each of our lives has potential and design for great success. The trick is recognizing that worldly success and eternal success are two very different things and that only rarely and coincidentally do they ever overlap. My focus has shifted to say the least.

Back to our day.

When Chad called to report yet another car issue, I almost instantly felt anger and overwhelming frustration. "We can't catch a break, where is our break?!", "We're giving all we have, it's just never enough!" "how can we ever catch up if each step forwards is two steps back, we can't keep living like this!" 
All of these, horrible things I've thought today.
 Chad, just as frustrated, if not more frustrated than I, he apologized to me as I picked him up from the mechanics. I laughed and said, "don't apologize, none of this was in your control. You've done everything you can to prevent this! So have I. This is out of our hands." My eyes were wet and my voice was steady ( I've gotten good at crying, I've done it so often lately, I can now carry on in conversation while crying, so that's nice I guess) . Chad got in the car and we were quiet. He then calmly said, 'I'm just so tired, I'm so tired of never being able to get ahead, I'm tired of trying with no success. How much longer can we realistically live like this?!" I concurred. We've gotten good at empathy, we've gotten good at setting aside our ailments and focusing on each others in order to offer comfort and strength. But it was Chads turn to be strong.
He said something I'll never forget.
"This is hard, this isn't fair but we know how this ends, we've been here before." We know the Lord will illuminate our path and our trials will be for our good and the good of others. As he comforted me, I felt the truth in his words and my faith was renewed. We DO know how this ends, we've been at the top of the mountain, with an eternal view and clarity. We're in a valley but were on our way out, the iron rod exists in the mist of darkness, that's when we must grip the tightest.
   We were reading in 1st Nephi 16 and I know the Lord provided Chad and I with a perfect parallel for our situation that provide new insight and lots of new things to work on. The Story of Nephis broken bow has given me insight before but never of this magnitude and family significance. It's exactly what Chad and I needed. Nephi and his family had been traveling for a long time, having suffered MANY afflictions. Lamen and Lemuel ( whom I shamefully find myself relating with more than Nephi sometimes) were downtrodden, they felt defeated and stupid, like they had made a huge mistake going into the wilderness. Later in 1st Nephi they profess that they would be better off never leaving Jerusalem, they struggled with thoughts of doubt and "what if's". In chapter 17:21 They lament further and propose that if they had stayed in Jeruselum they might not have suffered so great saying, "we might have enjoyed our possessions and the land of our inheritance; yea, and we might have been happy.". I could relate. Chad and I have found ourselves questioning our inspired decision to move to Arizona, especially considering we had an equally opportunistic job offer in Idaho, a place we sorely miss now.  
  Looking at thier story it's more obvious to me that their suffering had a far greater reward than staying in Jerusalem for a period of time (before it was destroyed). I find hope in this perspective, thinking that perhaps we could struggling to achieve a far greater opportunity.
   Back to Chaper 16. This family had followed the Lords guidance, which handed them trial after trial, homelessness, hunger and even the death of Ishmeal. To top it all off, Nephi, the "rightous one", breaks his bow and is unable to provide food, as well as the others as their bows had lost their spring as well. Drawing the comparison between his bow and our endless car problems, that have truly been the least of our misfortunes was easy. This family, striving to follow the Lords commands, walking by faith and faith alone are left with little to nothing. I'm not sure if Shazer was a valley but I'm positive that they were in a spiritual valley, Lehi and Nephi included. Unable to understand why the Lord was not making their pathway bright, I'm sure they asked for reassurance that what they were doing and where they were going was right. But the Lord, in His wisdom, did not hand out any obvious blessings, they were handed lemons by which they could choose to suck on and squint or work hard, as Nephi did, and make lemonade.
   In verse 21, Nephi describes this time as exceedingly difficult. He was going through the same trials as everyone else, but he fashioned a bow from wood and armed himself with a sling and inquired of Lehi where to go. He studied out his options, put in the work and then turned to the Lord.

"...And thus we see that by small means the Lord can bring about great things." (1 Nephi 16:29)

As Chad and I discussed these scriptures together, we realized a few things. We're on the right track, it's a dark, and difficult road but our priorities, desires and efforts are in line with impressions we've received for our family. We've put in effort, we search jobs, made contacts, found extra jobs here and there, we give of the little that we have and we make goals weekly to better our situation. We. Can. Work. Harder. After studying through Nephis experiences with the bow, with the ship, with the brass plates, we were inspired by his proactive, positive nature. We'll set goals higher, we'll work harder and remember that we don't "deserve" anything. Entitlement was a common issue we found with Lamen and Lemuel that we saw as something that also brings Chad and I down. Not always and sometimes, when we're hit while we're down, it's easy for us to let our minds construct some entitled justification for our complaints. "We went to school, we're working hard, we're paying tithing...we deserve better than this." SO untrue. We deserve what we earn and that's it, sometimes not even that. What we have is a gift and our work is an effort to repay an unpayable debt.

Our journey in the wilderness is pushing us, its making us better, not by the standards of the world but most certainly by the standards of the Lord and we're so grateful for what we've been through. Most importantly, we're grateful for the scriptures that have provided us so much comfort and clarity.

I bear my testimony that I know the scriptures are true, they give me strength and power, when i prepare, pray about then and read them regularly. I'm grateful to have a husband who reads, discusses and discovers truths from the scriptures with me. He provides me with a fresh perspective and encourages me to share my inspiration. I know that when we read the scriptures everyday, we'll have a strength and protection from the tools of the adversary. I know the stories and experiences in the scriptures can be applied to every stage of our lives. We can never stop learning from them, and we'll never stop needing them.