It's only a brownie

On December first I woke up a lot earlier than I wanted too. I took my mother-in-law to the airport very early, I was happy to of course but I ended up having to wake up my kids. An action I knew would be followed by a grouchy tantrum filled afternoon. As I stumbled out the door, my attitude was determined and stone cold. I had a very big day ahead of me, one that I knew would be challenging with two tired children and a very tired mom. I was determined to get through the day. I had planned a fun service project for Liam, he loves wearing his construction vest and hat and he LOVES this grabber toy we got at the dollar store, so we picked his favorite park to clean up and I had planned a whole lesson about service to really kick off the month. I had a presidency meeting, Christmas cards to design, voice and guitar lessons and a ton of errands in between so after I finally woke up from my lousy nights sleep, I decided the early start to my day might be an upside.

  After dropping Gail off at the airport i had 30 minutes to burn before the grocery store opened so I dropped off a prescription at the drug store and drove Liam around a neighborhood with some blow up Christmas lawn decor. Once we finished shopping AT 7, I was ready to get home and get some makeup on and my kids outta jammies so we could get the ball rolling. Checking out at the self checkout, I asked Liam to put back the hostess brownie for the 40th time. He hadn't had breakfast and he had just spent the last two days being spoiled by a loving grandma, no brownies.

   He started whining and the tantrum clock was ticking, I scanned a little faster and reminded him of all the fun we had planned for the day, trying to distract for him from the fact that he wasnt going to get what he wanted. He stopped whining and told me he wanted to hold it in the store but that he would leave it at the counter when we left...good compromise! I continued checking out and a lady approached me, she worked there and was making sure I didn't need help with anything. I was just trying to get out of there so I kindly declined the help and continued, she then asked, "Is he going to have that brownie?", "Oh no, we're not going to buy it he just wanted to look at it until we were finished here, he'll put it back." I continued checking out, assuming that was the end of the conversations, but she continued, "because, see, he smiled at me and waved and said 'good morning' and it made my day!" "Oh that's sweet, did you make a friend Liam?"

He shyly smiled and nodded yes.

"I'd like to buy him that brownie, he's just so sweet!"

"Oh you are so kind! I've been telling him no, I don't think I'm going to let him have one this morning. I just want to follow through with him, but I'm so glad you came and said hi, he obviously likes you a lot! Your so sweet!"

She continued to play with Liam while I finished checking out and cuddled sleepy-eyed Matix too.

I left in a hurry and got home to put away the groceries and move on to the next thing. I couldn't shake the grocery store experience from my mind. I knelt in prayer for some clarity and Realized quickly that I had made a mistake.

Why didnt I let her buy him the brownie? I felt his questions return to my mind all throughout the day. It's a brownie, she was delighted to have interacted with my boy, and opportunity that I am  blessed spoiled with every day and she wanted to give me and my family a small act of kindness in return for Liams thoughtful interaction. It may not have fit into my less than spiritually driven parenting that morning, but it was simple, kind, sensitive and courageous of her.  I know plenty of other moms that might have reacted the same way as me, it's not all bad, she may not have thought twice about it and doesn't remember me at all but I'll never forget her. She and I had a genuinely kind conversation that was perfectly pleasant and I probably could have gone along with my day and chosen not recognized the experience. But the spirit spoke to me and I know that I needed to learn something from this and the Lord wanted me to as well and frankly, I new better than to have allowed careless business and pride to get in the way of allowing someone to serve me.

I beat myself up pretty good all day, lots of tears and pleading with my Savior to forgive me of my unchristian behavior, even a trip to Frys to find the sweet lady to apologize. I hate that I was too focused on my own agenda to slow down and appreciate a strangers kindness and celebrate my sons sweetness in its spontaneity. I hate that I took the first day of service that I thought I had prepared for and started it off with such an unchrist-like attitude and I was angry with myself for my hypocrisy. I used to get so agitated with the people in my life that I have found to be "unservable" no matter how I try. They'll never let me help, even if its obvious that they need it, but especially when its a not, when its just simple act like the dishes or sharing snacks with kids. I just want to serve, I just want to do something kind because it feels good and it brings me closer to Christ... and that day, I didn't give that kind stranger the allowance I myself desire frequently. I denied her that opportunity to do give and receive the light of Christ in return. It was a deeply humbling moment. And I realized how pride can blind us in our efforts to help other and be helped. 

I have to bear my testimony that I know that selfless-serving and being servable are equally valued traits of the Savior, Jesus Christ. Yes, The Savior washed the Apostles feet and we have far more accounts of the service he rendered but he allowed his feet to be washed as well, he gave them the sacred opportunity to give service and feel its healing power. We all want to be able to 'do it all' but I know that that feeling, while often rightously persuade and ambitiously motivated, can be a tool of the adversary to convince us that we can do it on our own and we don't need others to lift and inspire us. That we don't need Christ, in extention. I testify that we do. My son didn't need that brownie, and I had the means to buy it for him if I wanted, but my heart aches when I think of the good deed I smothered with my business and pride. Allowing kind acts and service is not weak, its meek, its not surrenduring your independence and buring your abilities, it's highlighting others and allowing them to grow and express Christlike love, it's not an inconvenience for the server, it's an opportunity. Those doubtful thoughts are all lies from Satan to increase your pride and distance you from the Savior. I want to never forget that bad feeling I had because I never want it again. I want to serve. I want to be servable. I know that as we allow others to serve us, our minds will be enlighted by the spirit of service and out relationship with the Savior will be deepened and nourished, as we become more like him and allow others to grow in the same direction.

It's not at all how I intended to start the season but it's a December and a lesson I'll never forget. Plus, I think many of the Lords lessons for me will come in ways other than how I intend them to. I've grown closer to my Savior through my repentance and I feel like I have a better understanding of one of the Saviors most valuable traits. To serve and be served.