You Feel What You Feel and Those Feelings are Real

Gosh its been a long two week. The corona virus really became and issue for us around the second week of march. I started hearing things on the news abut a virus out of china making its way across the globe and honestly didn't worry much about it because China is on the other side of the world and they had been dealing with it since November so it obviously hadn't spread that quickly, and they had reported signs of improvement so i dismissed it as an issue for me and my family. But as the days went on the coverage on the news became more extensive and cases of the virus began popping up all over the us map. I chatted about it with friends more frequently  as it became more concentrated in our news feed. Friends in New York were cautioning that their state government had begun making preparations for a quarantine and California family began to prepare for rioting and food shortages. Before i knew it, the stores were out of toilet paper and everyone began dooms-day prepping
 the first week I followed the news every morning and every evening, trying to become as informed as possible to test the validity of the rumors and facts being thrown at my by friends and strangers alike. I personally thought it was being blown out of proportion but when i went to the store, it became clear to me that no matter how level-headed and calm I was about it, I would still be met with chaos and panic because the stores were running out of things quickly. I felt silly giving into the "panic" and buying more formula and paper towels than i normally would but it became clear that if I didn't follow suite, I would be left without essential items like diapers, flour, medicine. All things that were being hoarded and bought in bulk. people were buying our gloves and surgical masks and hand sanitizer and clorox wipes were impossible to find anywhere. I felt fortunate that i had just been shopping the week before and gotten a pretty good supply of things so i wasn't worried about fighting crowds, especially since being in big crowds would only make the situation worse. our school system and all school systems across the country cancelled school until April 10th, giving us 5 more weeks of spring break. That's when it hit me. Families are going to suffer from this, businesses will close down, jobs will be lost and our economy is going to tank. As the first real week progressed (March 15-21st) the government asked that we keep our distance from others and at least 6 feet and avoid public places. Slowly we saw small businesses close their door, some just shortened hours, most restaurants changed to only take up orders and everything closed by 9pm. Then stores started having "senior hours" to allow those who are most vulnerable to the virus get what they need without a ton of people around. the hikes that are normally secluded and untraveled were now crowded and honestly hazardous because of the influx of people trying to get out of their houses and actually adding to the problem. each day there's more deaths, more cases and  more media coverage spitting mounds of information that i haven't decided if its even helpful or not.

i feel like each day for about two weeks brought a new layer of emotions
layers that looked like

"i cant believe how global this is"
"Arizona is hardly affected by this, but we should be cautious and courteous"
"whoa, people are actually dying from this?!"
"Oh people die from the flu"
"hospital are running out of supplies! there's still no vaccine or treatment!"
"Oh the first case in maricopa was a 40 year old mom who suffered from cold and flu symptoms and recovered in 2 days"
"this is really going to affect our economy"
"we cant gather in groups larger than ten?!"
"new york and califonia have been asked to stay home?!"
"the national gaurd has been deployed, what does that mean for me and my family?"
"Church is cancelled and the temples are closed!?!"
"This is temporary, we'll come out of this soon"
"school will likely not go back into session until next year"
"my husband has a steady secure job, we're going to be fine"
"My cookie business was booked every weekend through may and it's all been cancelled or postponed, but i cant be sad about it because that would be petty, it was a side gig and people out there are loosing their main sources of income"
"this is all such a political game"
"if people dont start staying home, this could last 1/2 the year"
"there goes our trip to hawaii, my 30th birthday and our 10 year anniversary"

Then there's the guilt

"How dare you complain about a spoiled trip to Hawaii, missionaries are coming home early or worse, some are stuck in foreign hospitals and airports"
"Kayla, your husband has a great job, he got a promotion this week and people around you are loosing jobs, likely going to loose houses or worse, loved ones"
"You can't just have faith and the virus will go away, you need to follow the rules and listen to the CDC"

"Youre feeling sad or anxious?! Imagine the people in worse positions, you have nothing to complain about Kayla"
"You took your kids on a hike?! do you know that your endangering the beloved elders of our community (Thats a direct quote from a "friend")'
"Youre taking this to seriously Kayla, no one else if staying home or not allowing friends over the way you are, its a little crazy"
"Really, we cant come over Kayla, we're all healthy?"

I have never felt so incapable of feeling the right way as i have the past month. I'm the type of person who wants to walk through your sorrow with you, feel your pain and struggles along side you and walk you out of a pit and into the light. I want to celebrate your victories with you as if they were my own and sing from the roof tops when my loved ones have something to be happy about. I think being able to empathize a understand peoples perspectives is imperative to connecting and loving. so trying to feel what others are going through and recognizing the global magnitude has stretched my mind and overwhelmed my sense of responsibility to connect to the world around me. I want to cry with Italy, i want to study China, I want to comfort those facing job lose, i want to hug the peoples whose worlds have been flipped upside down. I want to problem solve with the fighters. I want to breathe deeply with the newly promoted stay at home parents. I want to tell everyone that we have a Lord and Savior who has prepared a way for us to get up when we've fallen and triumph over all our trials. I want to share the gospel more than I ever have desired to before.

So in summary, I've got a lot of feelings. There are so many questions, so many ways to feel about this situation but at the beginning of this year, I decided that when i'm faced with a problem or an obstacle in any area of my life, I'm going to start by listing what I know.

I know my Savior loves me and all my brothers and sisters, on every continent. I know this is like most any other trial, that is a small fragment of time that will pass before we know it. I know my family has already grown closer together in response to the changes and challenges all around us. I know my family and I will be ok. I know how blessed I am, I know my husband will never stop providing a beautiful life for our family and that my children and I will work hard to create a home that can be a heaven on Earth and a sanctuary from the craziness around us. I know we have a responsibility to comfort those who stand in need of comfort and to give charitably of our time, talents and money. I know that all that we have is because of and through Jesus and that that same Jesus Christ desires for all the children of the world to have the same happiness and comfort I've been blessed with. I know that this situation has introduced me to an uncomfortable new state of being and that with any discomfort, there is an opportunity for growth.

i know a lot more than I don't and i take comfort in the knowledge that the gospel provides. I also take great comfort in my family. Chad and I are strong than we have ever been and I couldn't be happier to be quarantined with the man who makes me feel so immensely loved. My boys and I are LOVING the homeschool life and I've had conversations with Chad about making this a permanent situation for us. We're preparing for general conference and I feel like we have seen Gods hand with more clarity and definition as we've looked for ways to draw near to Him and watch his masterful work in our day to day routines. Taking sacrament in our home was ina word "right". It felt like that's how we should be partaking of that sacred ordinance always, with my boys by my side, undistracted as they watched with longing eyes as their hero reverently and confidently prepared and passed the sacrament. Our first meeting was so beautiful, I almost cant describe the spirit we felt. I've always loved the phrase "home can be a heaven on earth" and i gained a complete knowledge of that as we shared that meeting as a family in our living room.

Lately, everyday brings a new set of challenges but I'm going to face them with my favorites by my side, knowing that am so bountifully blessed.