the worlds most uncomfortable week

WARNING: I have opinions. You may not want to read this if you are afraid that our friendship will be affected by the way i deal with conflict, stand up for what I believe and articulate my feelings. Also, no matter what you say, believe, vote and act, I will love you and cherish the opportunity to grow with and from you.

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Its June 2nd 2020 and I am writing this with so many feelings in my heart. The past few days and weeks, a national anti-racism movement has been unraveling and has come to a head today with the first "Black Tuesday" of what I'm sure will be a new annual observance by the world. Riots looting, shootings and misinformation are swirly in the minds and hearts of not only every American but people all around the world. In our nation, there is differing dynamics of unrest and revolt but here in little Queen Creek Arizona, it feels like another day in 2020 but with a thick layer of anxiety and hatred coating the air. Let me rewind a bit.

  With the later weeks of the pandemic, I found myself watching the news less because much of the information on the news seemed more like "talk show" information, with opinions being thrown around more than facts so I decided to go to government supported statistic websites for my information. And admittedly after 5-7 weeks, I stopped looking for information all together. I felt that I had adequate knowledge to keep my family safe and I had noticed I had enough acquaintances following the news that I would hear what I needed to through them and be able to avoid the "news" altogether. Plus I had to focus on my children who were settling into a new quarantined routine and our family had a surplus of time together that I didn't plan on wasting following the media. We LOVED the time together. Chad got to be home for Eastons first time sitting up, crawling, eating solids, all the fun milestones he might have missed had he been at the office. I got to be there when he received his promotion, I stood outside his home office with my ear to the door and as soon as he said goodbye over the zoom call, I heard him running to the door, we swung it open and both jumped into each others arms (and continued jumping) for joy. I never could have had that experience and will probably never have it again. We went camping, hiking and exploring together so much more than before. The boys really learned to be friends. Having Liam home from school wasn't just a fun change, I believe it was critical for his development. He learned social skills he needs desperately that I know his teachers didn't have the time to encourage him nor was it their responsibility. The whole experience opened my eyes to homeschooling and what some of the lasting benefits and more over the skills that wouldn't be nurtured in a public school environment. But I also learned how incredibly blessed i am to have such fabulous schools and teachers at my disposal. I'm grateful for Liams school and I think they do amazing work with the kids but I'll forever be grateful that I got the last few months with him to reinforce some life skills and to watch with amazement at how much he has learned as we completed assignments together each day.
    It was difficult to be cut off from the world. I missed my neighbors coming over and saying hi to the boys. I missed playdates and girls lunches and being able to just drop by people houses with a treat or to have a conversation when I desperately needed adult interactions. What I missed most of all was the future. I missed being able to look forward to things. We, like so many others, had some pretty epic stuff planned, my 30th birthday was going to be incredible, it was our 10 year anniversary in May and we had been planning a trip to Hawaii for literally years. All of those things were bummers but easy to reschedule and ultimately unimportant. But starting a business this year was a major bummer. I worked my butt off all of January-March and by the end of March I had BIG jobs scheduled and booked out through June. We're talking BIG weddings, celebrity baby showers, graduation parties, ALL of them cancelled. It was a huge hit for me. I was so down about it and I felt like I was being a jerk for even being upset because I know how minuscule the problem was in comparison to others so it took a few weeks for me to process my feeling and come to the conclusion that i was allowed to feel that way. In retrospect, the pandemic was "wildly inconvenient" but we recognize how extremely blessed we are and have been trying to find ways to help other who have not faired so well. We set aside money from our stimulus check to give, because heaven knows the stimulus checks were not designed to be put into savings but rather to stimulate the economy and we know the Lord will lead us to a family in need.
   As the number of cases go down and states reopen for business, people are back to hustling around, staying busy and trying to regain normality. Then there was the death of George Floyd.
  I was still in the habit of not watching the news so I heard through a third party about the officer that killed a black man by cutting off his air supply with his knee. Pushing him on the ground and suffocating him as he plead for relief. I was deeply saddened as I am when things like this happen because unfortunately, I've heard of more than a few cases like this. I got onto social media and it was everywhere. Then i went to a family members house and it was REALLY everywhere. As soon as we walked in, they started telling us everything they knew, they had the news on and turned up to 100 it felt like and we sat and talked and listened for the next hour. I was moved to tears as i watch people in DC burning buildings and breaking into Best Buys and destroying public parks. I watched peaceful protesters struggle to keep their composure while others with unpeaceful intentions came to thwart their mission. I watched black cops swinging their batons at white activists and felt the pain they must have felt and the internal struggle that must be waging inside them to do their duty and protect others while doing their duty as a human and demand better from his co-workers. I felt like crying but i didn't, and then I went home and stewed. I wrestled with my thoughts for a while and felt frustrated which is not my natural response to opportunities to show compassion and unity. I felt blamed, threatened, confused, a unexplainable urge to conform that left me feeling unconfident and uneducated.
   SO the next day, I took a break from my phone for a while but it felt like the world was yelling at my from all outlets. It was determined to act but to act productively. All the social media posts and "actions" I saw online seemed ingenuine, some seemed self-serving but the most common theme was that they were all wildly similar. As if taken from a script.

"We need to acknowledge our white privilege and apologize for allowing racism"
"Its not enough to not be racist, you must be anti-racist"
"Say their names"
"I cant breathe"
"Black lives Matter"
"This is America"

They all seemed like vague and misleading slogans for a social movement or political campaign (both of which I believe this is). I felt an urge to post how I felt but the more posts I read the more ingenuine, uncomfortable and pressured it all felt. I kept reading, searching for something that rang with truth, it was addictive and depressing. I found myself disagreeing with friends and family more than I ever had before which made me feel alone and in a vice, but also grateful that I HAD an opinion to develop. I felt pressure to take a stand of some sort. I had an opinion and I felt like I had to articulate it and that it had to some how better the national crisis we are facing. And i hated that i felt that urgency. I quickly realized that any action I took, words I said and thoughts I conveyed would be attacked and/or hurt someone. I felt a fragility in my social experiences that I've never felt before.

SO

I decided to approach this like I have been a approaching any struggle that I've had the past year or so, with the phrase,

"What do I know?"

I know that God loves all his children of every nation and as such, so do I.
I know we should judge by the content of character opposed to the color of skin.
I know that not all black people are bad and not all white people are good. ALL people make good and bad choices.
I know that I was raise in a home (by very goodly parents) where we were taught to treat everyone equally and protect those who need protecting.
I know that we live in a world where we have to defend ourselves with eternal knowledge and then go and "study it out in our minds" because we have to work for our progression.
I know that I support the American justice system and I love our country and its police and rescue teams that risk their lives with every call they respond to.
I also know that in order to progress we have to be willing to consider reform and protect the rights we've build the foundation of our country upon.
I also know that people are often self-serving and agenda-driven and that i would be foolish to jump on any train just because of the company and comforts I would find myself with.
I know that discomfort, pressure and confrontation almost always leads to growth
I know that my opinions are my own and no one has the right to validate them or deem them worthy because they already are and so are the opinions of my fellow human beings.

I realized that the list of what i knew was smaller than my list of opinions and assumptions so i set out to learn more. I looked up our justice system and how judges are appointed and their relationship with police force and military branches and who funds those relationships. I also looked extensively into the Black Lives Matter foundation and the Antifa. But what I'm focusing on now is my scriptures. I know that I've had to turn to My Savior more and more the past few days and he's always pointed me to the scriptures so i am reviewing the war chapter that i so famously avoid in my normal studies. I'm reminding myself that practicing Christlike behavior is what the world needs right now and I'm refraining from posting my thoughts until they are fully developed because the only person I feel that I owe these thoughts to is myself and my posterity. The world will know my thoughts by the way I raise my children and by the community and individuals I serve. I believe in voting for righteous judges and leaders and that has become so difficult but i know the world in inherently good and was designed to prevail.

I think before we post something on social media, before we attend a rally, before we donate to an organization we have to really ask ourselves, how did i get here? What motivated me to do this? I would submit that a lot of the actions taken in the past week have been motivated by social pressure, fear, confusion and hatred.

Phrase like "if youre not angery about this, you're a part of the problem" and "pay attention to who hasn't posted a black out picture today, these businesses do not deserve your business" and "we demand reparations" and "defund the police". I felt pressure to purchase from businesses own by people of color, even though i didn't have a single idea how i would even find that out and it seemed entirely irrelevant. In fact, many of the arguments and justice demands seem entirely irrelevant to the issue at hand. I felt like the words "white privilege" became a sin I didn't know I had committed and i needed to say it out loud to keep my status as a "listening", well-rounded person.

I took another break from social media and reminded myself that if i could do anything to help unite me to my community at this time, i would have to resist unfriending all the many many friends whose posts and, more prominently, reposts cause me to see some true colors and brought negativity and toxicity to my life. I changed the way in consumed social media to protect my spirit while still allowing myself and my light to be available to other. (not that I'm some bright beacon, but I do believe I promote positivity and hope)

I realized that for me in my safe, comfortable community, have an opportunity to listen to opinions that aren't aligned with mine and perhaps that was me participating in this revolution. Regardless of the uncomfortable feelings associated with differing opinions, i feel like it has helped me grow to be a listener instead of an unfriender. I've been strengthened by the eternal instinct to love unfailingly. I have had conversations that didn't end the way i had hoped and stood up for what i felt was right only to be laughed at and physically walked away from but I will choose to love everyone regardless of how they feel and care less about their ability to love me for my causes. Getting my Bachelors in Sociology was eye opening for me. I studied racial injustice, took numerous courses on socio-economic, religious and cultural bias'. I studied the impact of agency in these social acpects and even completed my senior thesis on  I cant even count the phrases that i have read and felt strongly that they have pedaled back our progress towards justice but i want to share a few theologys and phrases that friends, strangers and myself have shared that have rung true.



"We have a chance to be uncomfortable together and grow together when everything else in our lives might distance us."

"I don't care so much about being on the right side of history as much as I care about being on the Lords side of history. They might be the same sometimes but unpopular has often been the Lords way."

"Caring deeply about issues, having strong opinions and wanting positive change without action is just words and feelings. If you want a revolution, a shift in history, you have to put in the work...not behind the computer, not walking around with a sign, actual, in your community, in person, work. And posting about it doesn't make it real, its real because its happening"

"We STILL have more in common than we don't."

"I have an opinion, that doesn't make me a preacher, an activist or a judge, but I can share it and your value of my character will either give it influence in your life or not."

"Each one of us is needed, and we all need to arrive in our own way. Coercion will create actors but hearts broken will create change."

Chad and I have conversations about racial inequality, white privilege, police brutality, systemic racism and social bais. A few times we have went to bed facing opposite walls, realizing that we weren't on the same page about some pretty big picture mindsets but we always keep the conversation moving and growing. I'm open to understanding his point of view and have learned in the process what matter most to me and what issues i simply cannot budge on.

I have come to realize that a lot of this movement is people taking an issue the majority of the worlds populations agree with whole heartedly and manipulating that truth to coax a position on other issues. I will GLADLY have a conversation about all the issues...there are many. but I will not stand with Black Lives Matter, NOT because i disagree with that statement, because i whole heartedly believe that black lives matter and that as a majority race, it is our sacred responsibility to make sure that any minority, and especially a grieving and hurting minority, is not just heard, but taken in, made one and cared for. I however do not believe that defunding the police will care for our black brothers and sisters. I do not believe that buying from a black-owned restaurant on the premise of the owner being black will do that either. I do believe that standing up more vocally when racist comments are made (by anyone of any color) and holding myself and those around me accountable for their actions and words will help dissipate the racism left in our beautiful nation.


yeeeeshh. so many issues, so little time.

I have opinions and ideas about all of these ideas and "theories"

-police reform
-community outreach programs
-systemic racism
-white privilege
-political timing
-democratic loop holes

And I would LOVE to discuss them with you in person! I promise I wont judge you and I promise I wont care if you judge me.

Summary. This week has been so good for me as a person. I've been uncomfortable, reflective, made stronger and more compassionate. I have opinions and I'm getting better at articulating them in a way that pleases ME and makes me feel represented and like I'm doing my part as a human being. I'm always willing to try and see someones point of view and consider what their influences are but I'm also learning that regardless of our understanding and our willingness to listen...it's ok to set down with someone and acknowledge that you'll never agree on certain things that to you seem so fundamentally essential and ethically right or wrong. I love that about America, it makes us stronger as intellectuals and it broadens our ability for compassion and acceptance.