decisions, decisions and a spiritual stretch

2/11/2021 We have spent the last 4 months talking ourselves in circles about Chads job. Changes within the companys retirement plan, bonus program, and our potential location have made use re-evaluate the way the company is serving us and if the pros still out-wiegh the cons. We've applied to other jobs, gone though the interview proccess with several companies and even recieved a few offers but we're still scratching our heads and rubbing our eyes. Confused and indifferent, we keep reviewing the facts and the words are starting to sound like...not words. I've said a few phrases so many times, they're starting to loose thier meaning. "If that's what is most important to us than option A shouldn't even still be in the running" and "I guess that's the final nail in the coffin isn't it" and "that is an advantange we might really appreciate and find that we value it more than some of our highest priorities". All these phrases packed a punch the first few times I said them but now they fall flat, as I keep saying them and they get us no where closer to an answer. We're praying, we're fasting, and above all we're communicating so much. We are having real honest conversations about what we want and what we need in a job and in our home life so that has been good. I just wish it was taking us somewhere. I write today because we have to make a decision.... today. It's no longer in our hands to leave the company or stay at our leasure. We've been offered a posistion in Virginia with HP. Chad would need to start NEXT WEEK. I'm a tornado of feelings. Thrilled. It would be a promotion, which would put us in a more favorable bonus bracket with HP (still not what we want but better) we would KNOW where we're going, which is a luxury in HP. And Virginia is a dream state of mine. The history, the weather, the east coast, the schools, the greenery, the CHANGE. It would be a dream come true for me. Downside: the first few months would be just Chad, we would have to live apart for a while which I dread but I know it wouldn't be forever and it would probably be good to have Chad scope out the area before we move the family across the country. There are a lot of details we don't know but to me...a very real option. Chad makes excellent points about the money. If we stay with HP, it would never make sense financially for us to leave ever because we would loose hundreds of thousands to millions of dollars in retirement. Money talks to Chad...expereinces talk to me. This is why were so good together, we show eachother perspectives that we might never consider without one another. Most of the time this makes it easier for us to decide on things, we get more information faster, go through our options with a wider perspective and decided together. But this time, its making it much harder. Perhaps because the stakes are higher than ever before. Chad has recieved enough information about the Virginia job to know that they would be setting us up with a great opportunity to lead and represent our district out there and the nbring us back to AZ with some pretty wonderful job titles in the next 3-5 years. Going where we want AND knowing we'd be able to come back to AZ is beyond a generous offer but Chad cannot wrap his head around being alone in DC for months. We feel differently about this. I know it would be hard, for sure, but i am really craving a challenge, i am craving and famly building opportunity and it feels exciting to think that we could grow closer through eachothers absence and have abeautiful new adventure in Virginia as our reward. 2/15/2021 We still havent heard back from PCI. It is starting to feel like an offer isnt coming, or that if an offer comes, we will not have the offer upen hand, we'll be going into the comany as a 'favor hire' and not a a valued team member or sought after addition to the company (which Oakland still sees us as, as theyre calling every day, answering any questions we have quickly and with great detail and giving us way too much grace with how much we are stringing them along. Hensel Phelps is getting harder to leave every day. Chad is getting more responsibility and praise for picking up the slack of others who are quiting and is now doing everything he needs to to close out his job and making relationships and getting work started for the new project in Virginia, which excited both of us (but me more so). I'll wake up with new feelings of excitment for Virginia only to be reminded how miserable Chad would be and how important that is to me. Its becoming clear that a compromise will be inevitable and I'm going to have to let go os a dream for a season of time and extend a great deal of faith and hope in PCI. At the end of the day, HP will never give us the financial opportunites that PCI coud give us, and i KNOW Chad cant pass that up, especially when the famimly/quality of life is so much better as well. In the wider scope, its easy to see thta the decision is PCI, book closed, dicussion over. But were's the offer? and will Chad feel valued, challenged and happy there? With no offer in hand, chad took the risk and informed his boss that he was looking elsewhere for employment and had an offer lined up. he did it in faith and in good concience, knowing that HP has been nothing but good to us and he never wanted his commitment to them to be questioned or for his bosses/friends to think he was trying to slip out when times got hard but rather that he hoped to help them train his replacement and finish out his job while not getting to invested in a new job and leaving them in the lurch during a transition. It wsa risky but both of us felt like it was the right thing to do. We both felt like they wouldnt fire him on the spot. it was a risk, but it was very unlikely, because franklyy, they needed him, people were leaving and chad has made himself indispensable by taking on a lot of work outside of his job title (not recommended, but it helped us in this situation). His boss was beyond understanding and ven agreed that Chad should look into other options if they offer was right (even though at the time, the offer was non-exitent) 2/16/2021 Chad FINALLY got the offer from PCI and it was better than expected, better car and gas allowance, better salary and a hopeful projection for his first substancial bonus ever. He and I took a deep breath a prepred ourselves for a rough day. Chad would need to go in and solidify his decision with his boss, Julia and the project Head, Bertillini. They both took it considerably welll and were so grateful for his willingess to help with a smooth transision. Chad struggled. HP has been amazing and it is HARD leaving a good company. I have no doubt that if we were to stay with HP, we ould be happy, our family would be well provided for and we would end up being retired with plenty of comfort and stability. so its HARD to say goodbye. Our focus was tokeep relationships strong, express a lot of gratitude and be transparent about why we were leaving (the good and the bad reasons). Chad, as always, did an amazing job and came home exaughsted from all the feelings (feelings make him tired). He called Oakland and thanked them for thier patience and expressed interest in working with them in the future from PCI. THey understood, they were frusterated but they couldnt match what we were getting. HP even came back the next day with a gracious counteroffer...nothing in comparison to what we'd see with PCI. And they knew it. Which is why it was so generous and kind of them to counteroffer. Both of Chads supperieors knew his offer and knew they couldnt match it but, i think, as a sign of good grace, they came back anyway with an offer. They valued chad, from day one to the last day, and i am confident that if by some wild chance we were miserable at PCI in a few months, they'd take Chad back. He even had a few project managers reach out to him and encourage him to take the leap and assured him that they'd vouge for him if he ever needed to come back. That's Chad. He's valuable, loyal, indispensable and irreplacable...but thats just his doughting wife talking. 2/19/2021 Chads last day. It was a hardone. He LOVED HP. It was so hard to close that door, for both of us. I'm going to miss the family feeling and how close you could get with the employees and thier families. The enviroment just fostered great commrodery and the company ften threw family service projects, team building days and holiday patries to get everyone together and getting to know one another. I'm going to miss knowing that Chads bosses ALWAYS had his back. I never wondered if they were using him a a pawn or didnt have his best interest in mind when making bigger, lifestyle changing moves for us. I'm going to miss Julia, Alexis, Adam and Brittany, the Thompsons, the Johnsons, Redwine, hearing stories about George or some crazy interns. I'm going to miss the Christmas party with friends. I'll miss Chad coming home on cloud nine because his hard work was recognized...actually i'll miss it but i'm mainly grateful for it. HP has set a new bar for us, a new standard of work enviroment that we wont lower at any cost. Chad loves being pushed, being valued and learning how to lead and we are so hopeful that PCI will give us those same opportunities and more, but until then, we're sad to leave a company that has only given us so much to be grateful for. 3/1/2021 Chad first day at PCI. I think i wa.. i KNOW i was more nervous than Chad. I wrote him a good luck note with some gum (for good breathe. You cant replace a first impression) and chapstick, becuase he always looses his. I waited all morning for a call..nothing. I text him around lunch and he responded with a short, "cant talk right now can i call you in a bit?'It's fine, i was just biting all my nails off. When he got home, he didnt say much at all. He looked tired so i let it rest and waited for him to tell me about his day when he felt like it...jk, i pressed him all night long for details. He explained that he wasnt able to officially start today because the drug test had not yet been delievered from the lab so they couldnt do much with him other than have him watch others work. boring. boring boring boring. That explains why he looked so tired. I think he was undewhelmed and a little let down by the first day and we both hoped for a better tomorrow. spiritual sidebar: I feel like i started writing this to help me sort out my thoughts and it quickly became a journal entry to document our decision making process. I havent included a lot of my personal struggles because ... its personal. But I want to remember the spiritual struggle this brought me to and how I'm navigating those feelings. Language within the church has always interested me. The way people talk about the spirit, about thier testimony, the phrases that become a part of our religious euridition like "with every fiber of my being" and "I recieved a prompting" and so many others. Only recently have i begun to really draw a line in my life with what i am willing to accept and reject when trying to build my relationship with God and grow a stronger testimony of the gospel. I bring this up because when making decisions, i have always been counciled to pray, read the scripture, fast, turn my cares over to the Lord etc. Some advice really speaks to me because of the language used, it resonated with my personal understanding of how God answers prayers, like when people will say. "Look the the Lord and ask for your will to be aligned with His". That phrase is very similar to 'Ask God to tell you what his will is for you and your family, listen for his voice and he will tell you what he wants you to do". The first phrase resonated with me because it reflects previous experiences I have had with God and its tangible, its happened before in that way. The second phrase, makes me feel uncomfortable, I have never heard Gods voice. I have never HEARD the spirit. It's just not the way I have ever felt inspired and so i would never use those words. I know others have and I'm happy that we can all build our connection to God in different personal ways. But as I talked with friends and family about this big decision, I noticed that they were all so confident that I would "receive and answer" and that I would know what the Lord wanted me to do. Thier confidence only worried me more. I can honestly say that that has almost never happened. I am not saying i haven't ever received answers but i am saying I have never recieved them before hand or during the issue at hand (in my time table at least). Marrying Chad....prayed and prayed, months and months, no answer, no feelings, nothing. I finally told God that I loved this man and was going to marry him and he would have to stop me if it wasn't in His will for me. He didnt stop me.... thats not exactly an answer but i took it as an answer later on. My experiences with God dictate that it was an answer. When moving back to Arizona, we prayed endlessly and stewed over multiple job offers in different states, knowing that our next move would shape our family and set us on an entirely different path than be had seen before in our marriage. No overwhelming feelings, no nudges in either direction. Just laying out the facts, studying the pros and cons as a family and comming to a decision together to move to Arizona. A year after our move, we were in a horrible place, dirt broke, in a a horrible job, feeling helpless and chained to a check that came every two weeks, went entirely to bills and then scrapped by for a week and a 1/2 til we had to pay bills again. I remember Chad saying, "we shouldn't come have come to Arizona" and my heart fell into my stomache. Why hadn't God warned us? Were we not worthy? We had prayed, asked for his blessings and acted on our agency and tried to create a life that would please Him.We payed tithing, through our tears some weeks. For a year or so, it affected me. I felt like I didnt know God anymore and that he didn't care to talk to me. We both went forward and built eachother up over then last year on "Happy"road and used phrases like "God hears our prayers" and "I know God will help us find a way to get groceries" to hold us together. And they did. We truely believe that our tithing came back to us in one way or another those months and years and allowed us to get by. I can honeslty say we were living on faith and the whole experience was ultimately good for us. It took a lot of listening and watching for His hand in my life to realize that the burdens placed upon us were to build us strong enough for the future and were indeed in Gods will for our family. It has ultimately served us well and we have had wonderful experiences with family, been lead to knew job opportunities and had a wonderful 6 years here, but Gods voice never whispered to me mind that Arizona is where He had work for us, or where we would need to be to grow best in the gospel and bless other. It just didn't feel wrong at the time we made the decisions that lead us to where we are. I often wonder what would have happened if we would have taken the job in Idaho that we were offered. I know Chad wonders the same thing. I'm grateful we didnt. And i think that peace comes from God. Friends and family have told me "we felt like we needed to be here" and "we were lead to Arizona and we dont know why but we know this is where God wants us" Or "we had multiple job offers and after praying about it, we felt prompted to accept the offer with XYZ". I've heard, "moving here wasnt something we ever planned on doing but God told us that this is where He wanted us"....God told them? I am here crying on my knees to feel like God cares about the biggest decisions in my life and I can't even get a incling of peace or stuppor of thought and God is over there TALKING to others? People have told me that they have felt like they have been inspired to have each one of thier children...Chad and I prayed about having children, when to have them when to wait but ultimately...no feelings suggesting that God cared either way. I understand that in pretty much all situations, God requires us to act, to make the decisions on our own, for ourselves and to do so according to His will, so why does everyone say that God told them to do something or that they were guided? I think its an issue of the language of the spirit in some situations. We all feel the spirit personally and to compare our expeiences with God is similar to comparing a fathers love between all his children. He loves them all infinitely, but because each is so unique and each child chooses to love the father at thier own pace, the relationships and lines of communication are all vastly different. I had to stop learning how to hear God and instead, learn how to trust Him more. Trust that he is there, loving me, answering my prayers, and mindful of my desire to be close to him. In Elder Scotts Talk , "Learning to Recognize answers to prayers" He said, "The counsel about prayer is true. I have tested it thoroughly in the laboratory of my own personal life. I have discovered that what sometimes seems an impenetrable barrier to communication is a giant step to be taken in trust." I've learned something very important that has shifted my entire understanding of inspiration. God is not mystical. He is not unknown or a secret identity we have to find. He is a part of us. We can understand him because we are of Him. I think I got hung up so long on feelings because I am a feeler. I LOVE feelings, arguably too much, but I love being able to feel so much grateitude that I am moved to tears, I love feeling physically warm all over when I connect with a stranger and see them as God does. Feelings are my jam so I got so hung up on feeling an answer because its what I prefer, what I think I'm good at, and what I associate with the spirit. I can feel just about every emotion in a room and it connects me to people so quickly and so purely so why wouldn't God connect with me through feelings when I need him so personally? Because God wants me to grow. He would not meet me where I am most comfortable to bring me comfort. Because of this, I have felt a need to understand God on a more logical level, a more scietific understanding of our relationship. I know God is a God of miracles, I know He is infinite and eternal. I believe in miracles, I've seen them. Personally and in the world around me. But I needed to take the mystery out of God to remember that he is my Father. My father who loves me, wants me to grow and has given me tools, angels, agency, commandments and covenants to help me. I started with my covenants, it seemed like the most logical place to start. As i prayed i thought about the promises God has made me, and i know they are sure. Promises have a beautiful, simple way of grounding you, "if you do this, i will do this". Its faith in Gods word and comfort in the blessings he offers. i can do that! Its also commandments that I know were given to me to guide me to the blessings. Then I went to the scriptures..the literal, logical word of God. I stopped thinking "If I pray, God will magically open my book the the verse with the answers to my questions" or "If i ask of God, the words will speak the answer to me and i will feel XYZ" I took out the experiences and expectations I've always hoped for and replaced them with the logic. "Gods words were given to me in this dispensation to guide me, if I read them , I will be guided". Just like in D&C 20:17 "By these things we know" or the scientific method, "if/than". It simplfied the proccess, I lowered my expectations and rememberd that God is a God of wonder and miraculous glory, but he has also given us all we need to be stewards over our own dominions...which is a wonder and very glorious. Unless I am starving on the plains of the midwest with my children, with a broken handcart and a crippled horse, i shouldnt expect the horse to be healed, mana from heaven and delivery from death. I should expect God to hold me accountable for the covenants I've made. I should expect God to give me the means to prove my commitment and love to him, the way he did when he sent his begotton Son for me and my family. We have been entrusted. And so we must trust. I know this is all over the place and there are so many thoughts missing or peiced together poorly but in summary. I am relying more on gospel truths to frame my agency tightly. I am focusing on acting on those truths and expressing gratitude for them. And i am going to look harder for evidence of his love for me. Trusting God and asking in faith means asking with confidence in a loving father and I know my relationship will grow as I show confidence in Gods will. 3/5/2021 Chad and I were doing the dishes together on Saturday morning and i nochalantly said 'So chad, 1st week at the new job...how are we feeling?" trying to keep it light and fun because i didnt want him to shut down or tell me what he thinks i want to hear. "Great, it was a great week, I've already got a few big projects to work on, a team to meet with. I feel like they're giving me a shot to prove myself. I got in some good face time with the boss yesterday (they golfed together all afternoon) and I'm getting along really well with everyone." I was releived. If Chads happy, that makes all of this so much easier. I still didnt feel anything, numb to the whole situation which is very much out of character for me. I didnt feel peace about it (definitely relief though so thats a good thing that i need to acknowledge) and i dont feel as upset about the whole situation as I used to. Its kind of like the whole thing has blown over...without a resolve but without a blowout. Just untouched. like i was sanding in the ocean waiting for a massive wave to hit me. i brace myself, ready for impact, praying that God would help me feel my way through it and instead, it passed over me, without touching me. Like I was excited and nervous to be knocked over but my hairs still dry, the sun burning my burnt, thirsty skin, and I'm left waiting for the next wave. I'm have no prblem finding happiness in our situation, contentment and even peace. I feel gratitude in abundance. I've never lost sight of just how truely fortunate we are. We have an eachother, an incredible job, a beautiful home that we love and has provided us with a space to grow together and we have a progressing means of financial stability allowing for us to continue pursuing our dreams. I could never be mistaken for someone who's ungrateful...just unrested. I pray for peace, I know its personal and I'm trying hard to let my gratitude propel me into understanding. I still have questions and a gap in my desires for my relationship with God, but my gratitude has helped me see Gods hand in my life, which reminds me that he is answering prays every day. Like before, i will trut in God and watch for his hand, to show me how he has lead me to answers by allowing me to decide for myself on so many of these big decisions I've struggled through. I'm grateful for Chad. I'm grateful for his patient love for me and his confidence in my strengths I'm grateful for my boys who have been flexible, and united through this whole experience I'm grateful for our home that has been a place of peace for me always I'm grateful for Chads job'I'm grateful his first week went so well I'm grateful for our family get away last weekend, it centered us and reminded me how in sync Chad and I are I'm grateful for the means we have to provide for our families immediate and nonimmediate needs. I'm grateful to have a voice. I'm grateful I live in a healthy marriage where my thoughts and feelings are so valued and respected...even when I wonder if I'm nuts. I'm grateful that I have the luxury of focusing on my relationship with God and my kids relashipship with Him, that i get to spend time teaching them, learning with them and sharing these fleeting days with them as a stay at home mom, its perhaps my favorite blessing. I'm grateful to my parents for everything. Just everything. I'm grateful for prayer I'm grateful for good books I'm grateful for understanding friends I'm grateful for sources of truth in a world of lies I'm grateful for the childrens friend I'm grateful my covenants, they have brought me the most comfort over the past few months as i've reflected on the promises God and I share. I'm grateful for Chad I'm grateful for my boys teacher, they love my kids and communicate so well with me. I know they're in good hands, lerning more than acedemic lessons. I'm grateful for baking I'm grateful for house plants that dont die right away. I'm grateful for sisters who both inspire me with thier beauty and courage and offer me a place to caretake and nurture. I'm grateful that I have hobbies that make me feel alive and push me to discover more of the natural passions I have inside. I'm grateful for the desert, for hiking, for the blaizng skys at sunset and in oddly long "good weather" season we've had this year in AZ I'm grateful to live in AZ were people work hard for what they want and fight for whats right. I'm grateful for my neices and nephews who make me want to be a better example. I'm grateful for the lessons I learn from friends I'm grateful I can enjoy girls night, get away from my daily routine and enjoy the intellect of like minds and relax I'm grateful for the way chad and the boys push me out of my comfort zone and into new hobbies and interests I'm grateful that I have a big backyard that the boys spend hours in every day. I'm grateful for Chad. I'm grateful for the scriptures so so much. I have had a few gleaming experiences where i felt God near and it was always when studying for the weeks come follow me lessons. I'm grateful for parents who listen and always point em towards sources of truth..not just what they think but what i shouldknow in order to decide wht i believe. I'm grateful for photos of my babies that dress the walls of my home. I'm grateful for writing I'm grateful for honest transaction that give me faith in humanity and our ability to help one another I'm grateful for sweet conversations that my kids have I'm grateful for good neighbors I'm grateful for general conference and all the little miracles that happen with personal revelation surrounding it I'm grateful for Easton, his sweet, mild demeanor and his natural love and longing for his family. I'm grateful for Matix and all he teaches me, i"m especially grateful for how different we are and how much love exists between us and our differences, I'm grateful for Liam, his desire to be helpful and his special ability to identify the spiritual nature of things. I'm grateful for Chip, he loves us, and while i dispise cleaning up after him, he is a low maintenance, playful, loving party of our family that i couldnt imagine not having anymore. I'm grateful for Chad, his love for me is one of the biggest peices of evidence that I have a heavenly father who loves me and want me to be happy. He's the biggest blessing, my dearest friend, my secret keeper, listening ear, hard truth speaker, comic relief, Christ-centered family beacon of light. Gathering his family and ushering us into the arms of the Savior. I'm so grateful for his ability to lead, follow, listen, and speak up. If there ever was an answer to prayers, im sure Chad is it.