In the Trenched

The last few weeks have been full of stretching. Literally and figuratively. Matix is growing like a weed and it's killing me. I can't believe how big he is and I do NOT remember Liam growing this fast! Matix is trying his hardest to adjust to formula but it's wreaking havoc on his tiny digestive system. We've tried to ween him carefully from breast milk to formula but he quickly preferred formula and refused the 180 some-odd ounces that a painstakingly pumped for him....so that's great. Matix is constantly uncomfortable, always spitting up and struggles with each feeding, its almost as difficult as when I was breastfeeding, but at least I'm able to have my head straight and I'm not crippled in pain while he's hungry  and frustrated from hours of loosing latch and bad feedings. Obviously there are some advantages to formula feeding, the convenience of it all, not having to worry about my supply running low, but I'll still forever wish i could have nursed my boys so effortlessly and enjoyably as so many mamas i know. Not to say nursing is easy, id never discredit it but man Id love to be able to provide for Matix with just my body and not watch him struggle through this transition.
  He's always stretching and trying to get comfortable. He wakes himself up with his grunts and groans and he gasps constantly making it hard to get through feedings. He IS transitioning, I know things will get better but I HATE not being able to make this easier one him. I'm doing everything I can.
  Liam has turn over a new leaf of crazy this week. Terrible twos has never seemed more real to me than the past few days. Liam get out of bed 2- 3 times  a night which means sometimes we're up with him more than our newborn...not ok. We'll find him in the kitchen coloring, sleeping in the halls, in our closet, on the couch or playing with toys at all hours of the night. We always escort him back to his bed and remind him how important it is to sleep so we can be happy but that doesn't seem to matter much to his 2 year old mind. Which means he's pretty grumpy all the time because if sleep doesn't matter at night, why should he nap, right? Naps are minimal and always start and end with lots of whining and crying.
  Just the past few days he has been taking advantage of our inability to wake everytime he gets out of bed by getting into things and discovering new ways to make messes and ruin furniture in the early hours of the morning. Sunday morning I woke to the sound of the kitchen drawer shutting and the knives shuffling inside. I leaped up and ran straight to the kitchen to remind him that we do NOT touch that drawer and that knives could hurt us. I was just barely awake but i notice white residue on  his face and shorts.
K: Liam, what's on your face?
L: It's ok mama, its just milk.
K:Milk? where did you get it? What kind of milk?
L:Don't worry mama, it's just milk, I'll show ya.
He lead me to the front room where he had opened the babys value size formula divider and sprinkled it in my diaper bag, in the babys car seat and all over every cushion and pillow of our couch.
K:I' don't even know what to say to you right now so go to your room and I'll come get you when it's safe.
Yes, I said when it's safe...as in when I was sure I wasn't going to scream...he was in his room for a while.
He's also slathered shaving cream all over his legs, covered our bathroom floor with lotion, spilled baby bathsoap all over our comforter and applied my mascara to his entire face. Most of these have happened while I was feeding and/or changing Matix or pumping but I've GOT to step up my mama game.
  So many days have consisted on both children crying and a mama on the verge of tears. We've gone to time out so many times, it's almost a home base for Liam now, he just goes there by himself sometimes, assuming if he wasn't in time out yet, he would be soon... he's not wrong either. Matix run this show and not only has no schedule been established but I've stopped trying, I just want him to be comfortable so I'm pretty much watching his cues like a hawk all day. The lack of constant attention has set Liams tantrum level over the top. I often let Matix cry to make sure I'm handling these tantrums with consistency, love and firmness but their happening at such a frequency that I can't always catch them. There have been a few times this week that I thought to myself... "how could I have any more kids, how am I going to get used to this!" But I quickly am reminded that I felt the same way with Liam at this stage, I've just got a few more obstacles this time.
 It occurred to me yesterday that I'm in the trenches of motherhood, this is the part that makes me strong and gives me the experience that i need to have another, the experience that I need to take on the next stage with Liam and the next challenge of teaching or loving.
  I know its necessary but...heaven help me.